If I Ruled the World | HumorOutcasts

If I Ruled the World

April 18, 2017

If I ruled the world - misspelled namesThe world is falling apart. People are oblivious to the needs of others. It seems nobody ever holds the door open for the next person anymore. We’re all in a rush. We blame others for our problems. Politicians talk about building 50-foot walls to keep out Mexicans. North Korea is launching missiles at South Korea. And my Mariners are on another five-game losing streak. What has this world come to?

If I’m ever given the chance to rule the world, things will be different. Way different. I’d implement long-overdue legislation that will make life way better for everyone (well, at least the people I like). When I rule the world…

  • I’ll declare Cookie Dough ice cream the official junk food of the United States – and I will use my presidential authority to veto any attempt by Congress to pass a Constitutional Amendment changing it to Pistachio.
  • People will get ticketed for being obnoxiously rude. Failure to hold the door open for the person behind you will be subject to a $25 fine. Talk on your cell phone in a movie theater? That’ll be a mandatory 10-day jail sentence – with no cell phone privileges.
  • People who nab my parking space, even though they could clearly see I was there first, waiting for the other car to leave, will lose all driving privileges for a year. Enjoy taking the bus, dude.
  • I will ban Twitter. It’s been ten years now, and I still don’t get the appeal. #banTwitter.
  • If my computer becomes infected with malware simply because I clicked on a Facebook link that reads “25 celebrities who have aged badly”, the perpetrator of that malware will be sentenced to six months in jail – and their job 16 hours a day will be to remove malware and viruses on laptops worldwide.
  • Presidential elections would last no longer than three weeks – like in Canada. Anyone convicted of voting for Donald Trump will from that point forward lose all voting privileges, as they will have conclusively demonstrated they cannot be trusted with a responsibility as important as voting.
  • Anyone caught with a selfie stick will be re-assimilated to a new community on a remote island in the Bearing Sea, forced to live with other selfie stickers. The island will be out of range of any wireless network, thus making it impossible for them to upload their pix to their favorite social media sites.
  • If I ruled the world - ChurchillWomen will have equal rights to men in all aspects of society and the workplace – with the lone exception that my wife will legally be barred from ever touching our TV remote. She’s had 15 years to learn how to use TIVO, and she still can’t figure out how to record one show while watching another. No more chances.
  • It will henceforth be illegal for anyone who makes more than I do to brag about how much money they make – unless they’re willing to let me stay in their vacation home in Cabo for free for a week and use their powerboat.
  • It will be a felony to paint your house avocado green. My reason? It’s no longer 1967.
  • To make baseball games more interesting, I’ll implement important rules changes, including: if the game ends in a tie, it will go into sudden death overtime. And I’ll institute instant replay… and tackling… and penalties for roughing the pitcher. On second thought, I’ll just get rid of baseball and start the NFL season in April.
  • It will be illegal for anyone to utter in my presence the phrase, “Have you put on a little weight?” I have not yet decided on the penalty, but it will be severe, trust me. Especially if you’re my wife.
  • It will be become the law of the land that any emails, voicemails or text messages I send to my daughters asking them for a response must be replied to within 24 hours – without use of ambiguous emoticons, indecipherable three-letter-acronyms, or the words “I dunno” – under forfeiture of inheritance rights.
  • Anything in my backyard that currently is considered “a weed” will henceforth be legally re-classified “a flower”, thus no longer requiring its excavation – so my wife will get off my case once and for all.
  • If I ruled the world - toiletA man will no longer be presumed to be gay simply because he loved the PBS series Downton Abbey as much as I did. I know plenty of other heterosexual men who loved that show, although at the moment, their names escape me.
  • Restaurants will be officially banned from using obscure, pretentious words in their menu descriptions, such as “tagine”, “macerate”, “fenugreek”, and “deglazed”. You’re not fooling anyone. When your menu reads “frizzled kartofl”, that’s just a snooty way of saying “hash brown potatoes.” So, stop it. It’s soooo annoying!
  • People will be permitted to post a maximum of three cat or dog videos on Facebook per calendar year. It’s really gotten out of control. Yes, your precious little Catnip popping out of that grocery bag was adorable – the first seven times. Time to shut ‘er down. For all our sakes.
  • When sending out Christmas cards each December – or in the case of my friends Bruce and Kathy Grovener, the following February – those with only photos of your kids will be returned. I want to see how much YOU have aged, not your annoying children. And cards with no personal note – simply the words “The Millers” imprinted in gold – will be burned. We never liked those impersonal cards, but they do add a nice color to the Winter Solstice bonfire.

What a wonderful world it would be if they just put me in charge of everything. Oh, and by the way, I would officially ban cauliflower. It serves absolutely no purpose, whatsoever. Anyone who says they like it is lying and will be sentenced to eating nothing but cauliflower for a year. Then we’ll see how much you love that God-awful food.

Ah, if only I ruled the world….

For more of my humor go HERE.

Check out Tim Jones’ latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time

Tim Jones

Tim Jones is a humor writer based in Seattle and the one person to blame for the humor blog View from the Bleachers. Tim ponders important issues like “are all teenage daughters evil?” and “why does Montana hate me?” and “can your dishwasher destroy your marriage?” Tim’s not afraid to tackle controversial issues. He was the first techno-religion expert to conduct a side-by-side comparison of the iPad and Jesus Christ. From Politics to Parenting to Pop culture, if the subject begins with the letter P, Tim has something profoundly uninformed to say about it.

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One Response to If I Ruled the World

  1. April 18, 2017 at 6:29 pm

    I think there should also be penalties for drivers who don’t turn off their directional signals. And people who stop at the top and bottom of escalators. And dribblers who pee on the toilet seat and don’t wipe it off. So take care of that, will ya? When you rule the world, that is.

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