Due to an impending snow event, I am sharing this special alert:
Philadelpia, PA – “Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this program to bring you a news bulletin from the National Weather Service. A “Bread and Milk Emergency” has been issued for the tri-state area. Everyone is required to head to a nearby supermarket and purchase an obligatory loaf of bread and a gallon of milk.
Even if you are gluten-free and lactose intolerant, you must stock up on these vital grocery items. It is a requirement of the “hysterical overabundance syndrome” during a predicted snow event. All store inventories must be depleted down to “brawl in the bread aisle” levels.
Whether you went grocery shopping last weekend, you must return to your store and overstock your pantry for this twenty-four-hour disaster. Remember, you do not want to bear the shame of your family searching past the bottled water, orange juice, iced tea, Coke, Cran-Apple, Gatorade, and coffee creamer, to discover there is no milk in the refrigerator.
If should need to clear snow accumulations from your residence, you want to make sure you are carb loaded and lactose full. This provides the ultimate amount of energy needed to sprinkle your front steps with ice melt.
Also, while you are headed to the supermarket, during the desperate hours before the icy onslaught, remember to stop by your local Lowes or Home Depot to buy a snow shovel. It will match perfectly with the other three hanging in your garage.
You might get lucky and be interviewed by a reporter from a local news station. They love to sensationalize any winter weather event. During the interview, be sure to insert “snowpocalypse, snowpalooza or second ice age.” That will insure your airtime on the six o’ clock news.
Stay tuned to this station for further alerts. If the storm is upgraded an additional “Butter and Egg Emergency” will be issued. Should power outages be imminent, a Deep Freeze Level 1 will be initiated and a “Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup Warning” will be in effect.
This will insure that if you are trapped in your house for more than twelve hours, your family will not become the Donner Party. You want to avoid staring at “little Johnny” and wondering how he would taste with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.
We advise everyone not to panic. The first four hours are the hardest to endure, so you might want to renew your Netflix membership, refill your Xanax prescription and crack open your bottle of Grey Goose.
The National Weather Service will provide updates as needed, and you can tune to your favorite weather team who have reporters standing in mall parking lots throughout the area. We now return you to the The Chew, already in progress, where chef Mario Batali is making Snowstorm Stale Bread Pudding.”