SPARKS BRIEF: President Pushes Workplace Woes

Washington, DC – The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) just issued a report showing a sharp decline in work force productivity since January 20, 2017. Employers across the country are voicing a strong concern over their employee’s inability to “get the job done.”

“We’ve seen a 25% decrease in employees’ productivity since Trump’s inauguration,” said Betty Bigly, economist at the BLS.

“Employees are spending less time working and more time in lunch rooms tuned to CNN,” Bigly said.

Major corporations are finding that employees have breached their cubicle walls and are camping out in the company lounges, cafeterias and bathrooms.

“Everyone is tuned into the news. Streaming live broadcasts are bombarding our offices,” said Tom Thumberson, CEO of Global Snacks, Inc. “Employees can’t keep their eyes off CNN or MSNBC.”

Thumberson says that if frightening stories coming out of Washington, DC don’t stop there will be serious cracker shortages.

“Every time there is a press conference, speech or update, we have to shut down our plants. Everyone rushes to a TV, laptop or iPad praying our country is still safe,” explained Thumberson.

What is being called the “Trump Slump” is impacting the nation’s workforce. A decline in goods and services is the result.

“Imports from Mexico will increase as US employees sit at work and panic,” Bigly explained. “Thank God Nabisco has plants in Mexico. I can’t live without my Oreos.”

Oddly, the sale of Depends, an adult diaper, has been on a rise. “Every time CNN announces ‘Breaking News’ I pee a little bit,” Bigly reported. “I’m hearing the same from many friends.”

Reports indicate an underlying sense of panic that has never been seen in the U.S.

“We’re offering our employees a Screw Trump cocktail – a shot of vodka, orange juice and a Xanax, at the end of every work day,” Thumberson said.

It’s also just been reported that Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow will be making personal appearances in cubicles across the country to help employees get back to work.

“As soon as everyone gets used to being at DEFCON 1, it will be easier to concentrate on our jobs,” Bigly said.

When asked if she was working on any new data, Bigly replied, “Oh God, It’s Breaking News…I can’t talk now and I just peed.”


















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4 thoughts on “SPARKS BRIEF: President Pushes Workplace Woes”

  1. I note that the Screw Trump cocktail has shot of vodka. So I’m wondering if the Russians may have interfered in your recipe.

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