A Study of Chin Hairs

Broderick Crawford (in drag) with George Burns 1950

In a recent scientific study that examined postmenopausal women, researchers determined a causal relationship between the appearance of unsightly, gray chin hairs, their removal, and early onset of memory loss. Leading researchers studied post-menopausal women who—upon discovering this growth, typically ten minutes before a family wedding or photo session—pluck the curly little devils out with raw, unbridled force. This violent action, researchers postulate, causes two or three uglier, gray hairs to sprout spontaneously from said chin, and is the first step down a slippery slope to total mental deterioration.

For whom does the bell toll? Old woman—it tolls for thee. Is your uterus simply dried up or in a specimen jar at Sister Bertrille’s Hospital and Home for Aging Boomers? Indeed, the bell tolls for thee.

Scientists know the average 54-year old male holds more estrogen in his ugly, gnarled pinky toe than your average 54-year old female has in her entire body.

Who are these scientists? I have no earthly idea. I’m a writer, not a research scientist. And I’m making most of this crap up.

No wonder old men cry during “Brian’s Song” and Folger’s coffee commercials. Clinical researchers deemed this story relevant. It should be shared with the community and women of a certain age for whom that Bad Moon no longer rises.

One clinical subject, whose name we cannot release due to strict confidentiality laws, is a sixty-something, overweight, Caucasian woman of European extraction, who has had her uterus and ovaries removed surgically. To the uninitiated. This means she has more testosterone in her body than her Uncle Harry Feldman. Since her surgical hysterectomy, the subject has budded eyebrows that make her look like Broderick Crawford. On a good day.

The participant has stopped the façade that she is a blonde, due to personal finances that couldn’t swing the eighty dollars a month for color. She is now blessed with silvery white, wiry hair, much of which is on her chin. Gray hair has a different texture and is kinky. Yes, I said kinky. Make of it what you will.

Every two or three days the test subject fights a battle with chin hairs. She plucks them out, and two more erupt within minutes.  Like the English Ivy you neglect to trim around your patio, it grews about two feet a day.  If our subject  did not pluck the critters with a vengeance,  she fears she would look like the Warner Bros. cartoon character Witch Hazel. The study’s abstract noted that researchers have discovered a relationship between the eruption of new chin hairs and senior moments.

Our test subject is gobsmacked daily when she leaves one room to obtain an item and forgets what it was upon entering the other room ten feet away. She has considered that dementia is imminent. However, her partner of 30-plus years seems to suffer the same fate, often forgetting his phone, calendar, or another needed item when leaving for work. As men are hairy beasts, what can explain this? I suspect their forgetfulness is directly related to radiation from TV remotes, but what do I know?

Now, where did I put my sunglasses?

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