All I want for Valentine’s Day is… | HumorOutcasts

All I want for Valentine’s Day is…

February 13, 2018

Valentine’s Day used to hold such romantic feelings for me. I can remember back in high school my fellow female students would look forward to see if the boys we liked (usually from one of our brother schools) would show up at our campus with single roses in hand, ready to whisk us away for an afternoon of romance. Everyone would coo with delight or jealousy if you weren’t on the receiving end a rose. (Girls are tough).

Fast forward to college where Valentine’s Day was a somewhat nice dinner out and free drinks at the college pub followed by a tumble back at the dorm. Then in full adulthood, we saw the Kay’s commercials reinforcing to women that we want diamond rings, a dozen roses for $99 (because nothing says love like overspending on flowers that will be dead in three days) and a reservation at a “dress up” restaurant. In my fantasy world, that’s anywhere where I don’t have to order at the counter.

I’m not against Valentine’s Day. I always liked it, but I would like to take a moment to tell you what I want now for this special day.

  • I want a $1000 gift card to Home Depot. I’m not kidding. My interest these days has gone from diamond jewelry to diamond blades for a miter saw. You know what would get me really hot? New kitchen flooring and maybe a new toilet in my master bathroom. Talk about fantasy. A good bowl could equal a fun roll…you finish that thought.
  • I want a new vacuum. Yep, I said it. A vacuum. This isn’t a trap to get my husband in trouble. I want one of those Bissell things that washes and vacuums the floor and rug at the same time. That to me is the most romantic gift one can get. Imagine the time it would save me, and vacuums nowadays are sort of pretty. I am open to starting a new tradition—the romance in a clean home.
  • I want new walking shoes. I go through sneakers like most people go through produce. I am constantly walking and my Fitbit proves it. A gift certificate to DSW would be most appreciated since they carry the best selection is size 5 ½ or 6 shoes. Hey, if I get a big gift certificate, I might buy a pair of stilettos just to show off my sexy side…does Adidas make stilettos? Oh well, when they do, I ‘ll get some.
  • Someone to clear off my kitchen table of mail, receipts and all collected junk. I can’t find the place mats half the time. The last time they peeked through the crap, there were pumpkins and witches on them. We come into the house, dump the mail and promise to sort it out on the weekend. Never happens.
  • I want manners. I would love to experience a week where people are kinder, patient and willing to cut everyone in their lives some slack. I would cherish a week where the words thank you, I’m sorry and especially, that’s okay, everyone makes mistakes rolls off people’s lips without effort.
  • And finally, in the spirit of indulgence and total selfishness, I want a dozen no-calorie, no-fat, jelly-filled, sweet and gooey doughnuts. It takes so little to keep me happy.

Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books ( As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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5 Responses to All I want for Valentine’s Day is…

  1. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    February 18, 2018 at 9:26 am

    Finally… at last I know what women really want!

  2. February 14, 2018 at 4:08 pm

    The most romantic gift I ever got from my husband was EZPass…yep. I LOVE driving past all those idiots who sit in line, while I whizz by! But I would like some of those donuts. Call me when you get them, I’ll be right over!

  3. Bill Spencer
    February 14, 2018 at 8:52 am

    Humor Outcasts is a humor site with a heart—and YOU’RE the heart.

  4. February 14, 2018 at 12:13 am

    That totally sounds like a trap! Actually, my wife is just the same–thinks flowers and cards are a waste, is cutting down on chocolate, but would love a new power tool. As for shoes, she’s always up for a new pair of cowboy boots! I’m sure just about everyone would love to come downstairs and see the accumulated mail and paperwork cleaned up.

  5. February 13, 2018 at 9:45 pm

    Oh God can I relate! The only thing you forgot to ask for was a heart shaped box of real chocolates that clearly state that if you eat the entire box standing up, you will consume zero calories. Oh, and you forgot to ask for time to read all the books you want while in your pjs sipping wine and snuggling (not with your husband…with the dog)!

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