Anecdotes Not Taken #4

Here are nine new anecdotes I submitted to Reader’s Digest that were not taken.

Flush with Ingenuity

Just as my ingenious friend finished lathering his hair with shampoo, the water went out, with not a drop from the faucet for rinsing. But he quickly hit upon a plan and got a cup—then thoroughly washed the suds from his hair with clean water from the toilet tank.

Marketing Is Everything

At an upscale restaurant, the waiter recited the specials and said that entrees came with a side order of “vegetable medley.” When the meal arrived, the side order turned out to be succotash.

Daffy Decision?

As a gift I sent my niece the movie Casper, the Friendly Ghost. The thank-you note from my brother said they had exchanged it for a video of Daffy Duck (a talking, dancing, singing duck) because “We don’t believe in ghosts.”

What the Funk?

Even at the age of five, my stepson was sensitive to idioms. Once when there was a musty smell in the car, I asked him, “Have you been petting a wet dog?” He said emphatically, “No!” Then after a few seconds, “What’s that mean?”

Bad Influence

When my stepson came home from grade school with a detention note for chewing gum in class, his mother and I were surprised since we never allowed him this contraband. We wondered which of his bad-influence playmates was responsible. Then he told us he’d been given the gum in an earlier class. By the teacher. As a reward for being a good student.

Flea for Your Lives

The flea infestation in my brother’s house was so bad that the rest of his family fled, but my brother decided to tough it out. Before bed, he drenched his exposed skin in repellent, then lay down and alertly watched. Happy with his success, he closed his eyes—and then felt it: the first of many fleas to hop onto his closed eyelids.

Of Course

In the small town where I lived, we all knew each other, but when I correctly predicted to my wife that the two Wong brothers would turn left at the T-intersection ahead of us, she was impressed. When she asked, “How’d you know?” I said, “Easy. Two Wongs don’t make a right.”

That’ll Be a Long List

When my fellow teachers and I received written reminders to turn in our semester’s list of “F” grades, the actual wording seemed to urge us to some wide-ranging introspection. We were exhorted, “Report all your failures.”

Clear on the Conception

When a woman I know announced she wanted to have a third child, her husband began a litany of reasons against the idea. She cut him short by saying, “Let me put it this way: I’m going to have another baby. I hope you’re the father.”