Brain Slices | HumorOutcasts

Brain Slices

August 14, 2018
By

I went into a Bed Bath & Beyond and asked to see the Beyond part. No one had a clue where it was. All they could tell me is several other people went looking for it and haven’t been seen since. Rumour has it you pay full retail there. Suddenly I heard the theme from Twilight Zone over the speakers. “You hear that, right?”, I asked the clerk. “Hear what?” A Rod Serling look-a-like ushered me to follow him, offering me two-for-one on scented bath bombs for the afterlife. Unlimited twilight zone miles too.

 

Imagine being able to “doctor-up” as easily as you can “lawyer-up” in the U.S. “Hey, I spilled ice coffee on my leg and got freezer burn. I’m lawyering-up.” Instantly there are 10,000 lawyers against your door. “Hey, I was shot by a gun with bullets the size of baby seals. I’m doctoring up.” No you’re not. You’re gonna die unless you give us your house, car, children, pets, and future. No one even says doctor-up. I guess the trick is to be shot by the head surgeon of a great hospital like Johns Hopkins. Buy him an ice coffee and tell him you are lawyered-up. He’ll have to pony-up his services. And what about that Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness thing? Lawyers take care of the “Liberty” part, so shouldn’t doctors take care of the “Life” part? Guns, drugs, and hookers take care of the “Pursuit of Happiness” part.

 

What are “soft skills”? If I leave them out on the counter overnight will they get stale and become “hard skills”?

 

Why do employment self-help gurus always tell us to be rock stars in our work? “Get your dream job. Be a rock star in your field.” Ya, I want to work my butt off and end up looking like the old Keith Richards. I don’t even want to look like the young Keith Richards. Can’t I just be a mildly successful paparazzi in my work?

 

I saw a woman in Chapters reading a book called Five Steps to Making Your Dreams Come True. I made my own steps.

1. Hard work

2. Luck

3. Hard work

4. Luck

5. Hard work and luck

6. Hard work, luck, and bribery

Okay, 6 steps. But they easily fit on a Kleenex. Not some stupid expensive book.

 

Ever notice how the definition of traffic is every other car but yours? If you think there’s too much traffic, you’re part of the problem. Get off the road.

 

I hate those signs in stores that read, Yes, We Are Open. I’m opening a store for cranky people, and the sign will read, No, We Are Not Closed.

PFHardie

I am a graphic designer, humour writer, musician and piano teacher. And that's only during the day. At night I fight crime and hang out with my wonderful family.

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