Canada Devalues Currency in Bid to Reverse Hockey Decline

PYEONGCHANG, South Korea.  Stunned by a failure to win a gold medal in either men’s or women’s hockey at the Winter Olympics here, Canadian officials today devalued the nation’s currency against those of other hockey-playing countries, a move they hope will help reverse its declining fortunes in the sport.

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Canadian doubles: Hardly seems fair.

 

“We cannot stand idly by while nations with ‘z’s’ like Switzerland and the Czech Republic surpass us in the hockey arms race,” said Justin Trudeau, who a Google search revealed is Prime Minister of Canada.  “Devaluation is a strategy that worked for us in tennis, where the rules of Canadian Doubles permit us to have an extra player on our side of the net.”

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“The score is Germany 4, Canada 2.37.”

 

The Canadian dollar is currently exchangeable into just 79 cents in American money, causing Canadian forwards to come up short against other hockey players.  “I had an odd-man rush against Dennis Endras in the semi-final,” said Canadian forward Rob Klinkhammer of the German goalie, “but at current exchange rates that dropped to a one-on-one and he stoned me.”

 


Canadian loon

The Canadian dollar is also referred to as the “loonie,” after the Canadian loon, an aquatic bird.  A member of South Korea’s Unification Church is referred to as a “Moonie” after the late Reverend Sun Myung Moon, its founder.


Sun Myung Moon:  A different kind of loonie

 

It has been twenty-five years since a Canadian hockey team won the Stanley Cup, and Canadian youngsters, who once would proudly display gaps in their teeth caused by blows to the mouth from flying pucks, are abandoning hockey for fencing, macrame and stamp collecting.


Macrame teddy:  Why the puck shouldn’t they?

When a reporter pointed out that in order to correct Canada’s current hockey imbalance the country should technically revalue the loonie upwards rather than downwards, Trudeau was undeterred.  “Higher, lower, whatever,” he replied with an impatient tone.  “If we screw up, we’ll get it right the next time.”

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