Cut to a Windowless Room Under Red Square

Red Square, Moscow, Public Domain, Wikipedia Commons

With POTUS talking directly to journalists and broadcasters, the White House Daily Press Briefing may be as extinct as the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Why do 45s diatribes need interpretation when Himself is here, there, and everywhere, talking directly to Fox and Friends, Sixty Minutes, and the Twitterverse?

Where in the world is the Press Shop? What happened to the Daily Press Briefing, the DPB?  How can pundits function without this weekday dose of excitement that’s better than “Beavis and Butthead” and “Dateline” combined?

This reporter was given exclusive access to official White House Calendars of Responsibility and Productivity (CRAP) of selected Press Shop and related staff.

White House Director of Communications Bill Shine is on leave with former Fox News colleague Bill O’Rourke. The two have joined with O.J. Simpson to find the real killers of Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson for O’Rourke’s new book, “The Killing of 1995 When We All Watched TV for Nine Months.”

In a tiny, windowless room under Moscow’s Red Square, Press Shop interns from colleges throughout the United States painstakingly review Hillary Clinton’s 30,000 missing e-mails. The additional research took the two interns more than 5,000 miles on the Trans-Siberian Railway. to meet with Siberian resident Ivan Ivanov. Ivanov, known to his friends as “Tiny,” was outed by the Russian government as the purveyor of the most leaks to WikiLeaks. Ivanov lives in a manufactured home near the last steppe on the left near the village of Dubya, Siberia.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders noted personal shopper time at Nordstrom on her CRAP calendar. She clipped a few Internet photos of tailored suits like one might wear to a job interview to the paper copy of her calendar. Rampant speculation from highly-placed sources notes that Sanders is being considered for jobs similar to her current position.  She is currently under consideration for Chief Air Traffic Controller at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.

Kellyanne Conway is spending her extra time with her four children, baking cookies for journalists. Poor thing can’t really get them to solidify as the only ingredient is crushed nuts.

PR Stoolies Jared Kushner and wife Ivanka Trump appear to be the closest media advisors to POTUS now. While Ivanka whispers in Daddy’s ear when he’s talking on the phone with his friends at the Fox News Network, Jared is recalling childhood summer camp days in the Adirondacks with his pal MBS, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia.  45 yesterday told the Washington Post about his son-in-law and the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, “‘They’re two young guys. Jared doesn’t know him well or anything. They are just two young people. They are the same age. They like each other, I believe.’

Raj Shah, covering for Sanders while she’s with her personal shopper, alerted White House press corps today that the Daily Press Briefing is on indefinite hold until at least through the Midterm elections.

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