Donald Trump Ate My Baby

A Gift From Russian President Vladimir Putin

President Donald Trump killed and ate a small child today who had wandered away from his parents during a White House tour. Aides described the President, seated at a table on the Truman Balcony, gnawing on the meaty upper arm of Aiden Thomas, age five, from Atwood, Kansas.

“It looks like the President crushed his skull with the bust of Churchill he keeps up there,” an aide who would not give her name reported. “Then he cut him up with a gold-plated scimitar.”

Thomas’ mother, Regina, had to be sedated by White House staff. “I don’t know how he was able to get away from me so fast,” she sobbed. “He just loves the President.”

The president, who recently rescinded Obama Administration rules regarding roping off the White House tour routes, described Aiden as “a good kid, a little stringy, which makes them hard to cut, you know? This is why I use a scimitar. No other President has ever used a scimitar, am I right? Someone told me that. You can ask them.”

Reaction from Capitol Hill was mixed. House Speaker Paul Ryan said, “I can’t condone killing small children and eating them. But think about this: if Congress had acted to defund the Children’s Health Insurance Plan years ago, that boy might never have made it to age five, and this unfortunate incident could have been avoided.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was outraged. “So now we have a president who eats children? He’ll defend them while they’re in utero, but once they’re born, they’re fair game?” Senator Schumer suggested that this incident could be leveraged by Democrats looking to get the President’s support to allow DACA, also known as the Dreamers Act, to continue.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity was quick to defend the President: “This President is a hearty and virile man. As such, he requires more concentrated nutrients. He can’t just eat what ordinary people do.”

Steve Doucy, on this morning’s Fox and Friends, echoed that sentiment: “The President’s health is a matter of national security. Eating that boy was in the national interest.” The show’s hosts then joked that, since Kansas had rejected former First Lady Michelle Obama’s school lunch nutritional guidelines, Thomas “probably tasted way better than, say, a kid from Connecticut.”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was bombarded by questions about the incident at today’s briefing.

“President Trump did not kill and eat a child,” she said, clearly frustrated by the repeated questions on the subject. “It simply did not happen. And even if the President decided to do these kinds of things, is it really any worse than what the Clintons have done? How many toddler bones are buried in Chappaqua? What about the Clinton Foundation’s bringing orphans in to the country as part of their ‘humanitarian aid’ who ended up served for dinner?”

Trey Gowdy, R-SC, chariman of the House Oversight Committee, called for an “immediate and thorough” investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s “procurement of young children to feed her and her husband’s insatiable appetites.”

The President’s supporters were unaffected by this latest report.

“This is just another way the liberals have of attacking our President,” Dale Hartwell, 29, of Dayton, Ohio, said. “They lost. When are they gonna get over it?”

Marla Smithfield, 32, of Denison, Texas, took a wider view. “The world is a dangerous place. Our country is facing real threats. This is a time for the country to unite behind our President.” When asked if the President could eat one of her children, she replied, “if President Trump asked my boy to serve — I mean, be served — it would be an honor. I’d bring him to the White House chef myself.”

The White House chef could not be reached for comment.

Stacey Roberts is the author of the hilarious and heartwarming Trailer Trash With a Girl’s Name series of novels, available on Amazon:

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