Cremation Sensations | HumorOutcasts

Cremation Sensations

September 17, 2018
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Death got you down?

“Sadie, you miserable little shit”

Your Great Aunt Mildred just died. When you were a kid she used to spit chewing tobacco on your new shoes.  When you reached 30 and hadn’t married she called you Sadie Spinster and mercilessly criticized your clothing, hair style and table manners.

But she included you in her will – or so your Great Uncle had once implied when he was on his second bottle of sherry. And so you were always nice to her despite the endless crap she dished out.

Now you find out she left everything to your horrible second cousin Hank who once set fire to your cat. All you got was $5,000, with instructions for you to use it for a burial ceremony.

She stiffed you and now she wants you to clean up after her?

“Can you feel the burn?”

Sounds like a job for Cremation Sensations.

“Let us bake… the one you hate”                                                                          

What can Cremation Sensations do for you? Glad you asked.

Just call and one of our mobile truck units can be at your doorstep within minutes.  Let’s look at two of our most popular selections:

The Dug and Plug

For those on a strict budget, we roll out our mini backhoe for our only ‘non-combustible’ burial option. We’ll dig the regulation 6 feet deep.  Length is up to you. It’s $20 a foot.  If you can wrap the deceased’s hands around their knees in a sitting position you might get by with 2 ½ feet.  Drop them in, we’ll backfill.  You’re only out $50 and still have $4950 of that old bat Mildred’s money to burn .

The Burn and Urn

Ok, so the last thing you want is your worthless, stingy Great Aunt Mildred slowly decomposing in the back forty. We get it.  Our large mobile units come with a small crematorium.  Fully outfitted with the latest stack emission controls, it can handle objects up to 24” by 36”.

I know what you’re thinking. The old battleaxe is bigger than that.  No worries, each truck comes with a high-speed table saw. We can reduce Mildred to manageable pieces in a matter of minutes.

If your rage is still keeping you up at nights you can watch us disassemble her, even stipulate custom cuts.   We’ll provide you with goggles and a rubber suit.

The departed is then reduced to ashes and deposited in the urn of your choice. We offer the full range from badly used Tupperware all the way up to large engraved silver goblets.  We’re having a special on “Asshole in Here” which we’ll provide you with for just $5 on top of the $200 cremation fee.

Extra Services

“Our popular King Haakon III flaming Viking longboat”

Our crew of two includes one religious professional, duly registered to perform Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or traditional hunter gatherer rituals.   We’ll entertain Viking cremations if you have water access and will accept one of our very realistic inflatable Viking longboats soaked in kerosene.  Stake burnings can be accommodated, cheaper if you provide the wood.

If the deceased died friendless and you’re the only attending family member, we offer the services of professional mourners.   We have three scripts for them.  The Dearly Beloved where they spout insincere platitudes about completely bogus good works alleged to the deceased.

“Our Dirty Dozen mourners shred the #$%@! bastard”

Then we have the more neutral Silent Stand. Our mourners will quietly weep, wring their hands and bow their heads while our religious professional intones the service.

If things weren’t so good between you and the deceased we have the Cacophonous Curse. Our mourners will scream expletives at the urn or the corpse (intact or disassembled as you wish) for the crimes and indignities they committed.

Feeling better? Ready to give Great Aunt Mildred the heave ho?

Then give Cremation Sensations a call. Make death work for you for a change.

 

Rod Bartchy

Rod Bartchy followed the family tradition and accumulated two engineering degrees by his mid twenties before coming to his senses. After 20 years in hazardous waste disposal, Rod tried to manage other people’s money but found it equally toxic. He then survived 5 years with the IRS, but recovered most of his sanity in a Tibetan ashram. Rod has written two novels, Enigma and Dol Guldor, and one novella, Key West Story. All have been withheld from publication, two to spare the reader any permanent trauma, and Dol Guldor, after the nice lawyers from the Tolkien estate came for a little chat. Rod is now ready to reveal the shocking inside stories of America’s largest collection agency, at least until he’s audited. Rod's essays have been published in the Chestnut Hill Local and True Humor. Rod lives in Chestnut Hill, Philadelphia with his daughter, her boyfriend, two turtles and cat. When not writing humor, he tutors kindergarten, suffers from inept golfer syndrome, and plays way too much Scrabble.

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3 Responses to Cremation Sensations

  1. September 21, 2018 at 6:16 am

    I laughed so hard I thought I’d die!

    • Rod Bartchy
      September 22, 2018 at 4:35 pm

      Sadly, I just lost two readers (deceased) for that very reason. Now I have to include a warning with the piece. Glad you made it though.

  2. September 18, 2018 at 2:37 pm

    Hilarious!



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