Excerpt from Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute by Perry Block

Today we have the first excerpt of Perry Block’s book Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute which is available on Amazon in print and eBook and at fine independent bookstores. Like you, Perry Block is a Baby Boomer who turned around one day in 1978 and suddenly found himself 40 years later at an age he always thought was exclusively reserved for people’s parents.

Through a series of often hilarious essays, Perry tries to make sense of it all, aided by his son Brandon and a host of other real and fictitious characters, including Batman, Cupid, the Legendary Jewish Vampire Vlad the Retailer, Richard Nixon, Moses, and more.

Every Boomer concern is here – aging angst, fatherhood, the singles life, friendships, fading looks and physicality, social trends, the1960’s, religion, Judaism, the writing life, parody and satire, self-deprecation, and the nagging worry that not only has he measured his life in coffee spoons, frequently the coffee hasn’t even been hot.

If you are in the Narberth, PA area on Sunday Feb. 25th, please join us for the book launch party of Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute at Narberth Bookshop.

If Batman Had a Jewish Mother or

 My Son, the Dark Knight

As the scene opens, high above Gotham City the Bat Signal cuts through the evening sky.

 

Mrs. Wayne: Bruce … Bruce?

 

Bruce: Yes, Mom.

 

Mrs. Wayne: Come see what I made special for you.

 

Bruce: Matzoh Ball Soup! Thanks, Mom.

 

Mrs. Wayne: You’re welcome, darling. You’re looking frightfully thin, Bruce, have another matzoh ball. Light as a feather, aren’t they?

 

Bruce: Mom! Look outside! In the sky!

  

Mrs. Wayne: I don’t see anything. Here I’ll close the drapes so you won’t be bothered.

 

Bruce: No, no! It’s the Bat Signal. I must switch to my alter ego, the Batman!

 

Mrs. Wayne: Now, darling, you know you have to wait 45 minutes after eating before you change into Batman. Even longer if you’re going to swim as Batman.

Bruce: I can’t wait for that, Mom. Gotham City needs Batman!

 

Mrs. Wayne: Gotham City needs to kiss my tuchas! And I expect you home by 12:00 sharp or you’re grounded!

 

Bruce: Aww, Mom! I can’t promise that.

 

Mrs. Wayne: Then I’m coming with you. Somebody’s got to keep Mr. Dark Knight out of mischief!

 

Off into the night roars Batman’s supercharged vehicle across the Bat Cave waterfall and towards Gotham City.

 

Mrs. Wayne: Bruce … Bruce, slow down for crying out loud! You’ll give your mother a heart attack!

 

Batman: But, Mom, Commissioner Gordon is counting on me.

 

Mrs. Wayne: Counting, schmounting! He put a coat around you one night, you weren’t even cold, and I wasn’t even dead! Say, darling, did you remember to bring your inhaler?

 

Batman: Oh, shit! I did forget it. Well, we’re not going back for it now!

 

Mrs. Wayne: Suit yourself, bubbeleh! And watch your mouth.

 

Batman: Sorry! That reminds me, Mom, when I’m dressed up like this, please remember to call me Batman. You screwed up twice last week and called me Bruce right in front of Jim Gordon.

 

Mrs. Wayne: You think he doesn’t know who you are, Mr. Big Shot? You think he doesn’t have a brain? That husky voice wouldn’t fool a four-year-old sitting in Santa’s Lap.

 

Leaping from a tall building, Batman glides down to confront the Joker.

 

Batman: Hand me the detonator, Joker. I’m going to stop you from destroying Gotham City!

 

Joker: But destroying Gotham City is my hobby, Batman. What do you want me to do, take up Mah Jong?

 

Mrs. Wayne: Did I hear my favorite hobby mentioned?

 

Joker: Who are you?

 

Mrs. Wayne: I’m Bruce’s Mom.

 

Batman: You’re Batman’s Mom! Batman’s Mom!

 

Mrs. Wayne: Sure, darling. Mr. Joker, look at you! This is how you come to destroy the city? You look like Flo from Progressive.

 

Joker: How should I look, Mrs. Batman?

 

Mrs. Wayne: Go home, wash your face, put on a nice suit, and then turn yourself in to Commissioner Gordon.

 

Joker: I will! Thank you, Mrs. Batman. If I’d had a mom like you, I’d be a successful dentist by now.

 

The Joker departs.

 

Mrs. Wayne: All done! And it isn’t even 9:00 P.M. yet.

 

Batman: I have to admit you’re right, Mom. But I have a question.

 

Mrs. Wayne: Yes, Bruce? I mean, Batman.

 

Batman: Is there any more soup?

 

Mrs. Wayne: Of course, darling! Nothing’s too good for my boy who just single-handedly saved Gotham City from the Joker!

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7 thoughts on “Excerpt from Nouveau Old, Formerly Cute by Perry Block”

    1. Enjoy! You won’t find Batman’s Jewish mom but you will find Aunt Harriet, a silly character the TV show added to dispel any suspicions that Bruce and Dick were gay. It would have been better to change their names from Bruce and Dick to Rocky and Bullwinkle,if that’s what they wanted to do.

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