My Resolutions For You In 2018

Every year I make New Year’s resolutions and every year I break them. So this year I’m trying something different — resolutions for other people. Hey world — here are the changes I’d like to see you make in 2018.

(1) Cell phone owners: No more blathering on your cell in public. This includes public restrooms. I consider the time I spend sitting on the toilet to be both private and sacred. I don’t want to hear about your boyfriend, your PMS or your stock portfolio.

(2) Corporations: ax the phone trees. When I phone customer service in 2018, I want to talk to a person, not a robot. When I phoned a helpline recently, I got a robot who refused to give me the option to talk to a person. Instead, she told me that her name was Julie and proclaimed proudly that she could “understand entire sentences.”

“F**k you, Julie!“ I responded.

“I’m sorry,“ she said. “I didn’t understand that last sentence.”

In 2018, I want to get an actual human being who will do the appropriate thing if I curse at her, which to call me a witch and hang up on me.

(3) Drivers? Your car is equipped with turn signals for a reason. Use them.

(4) Do you chew with your mouth open? Close your pie hole. Do you slurp your soup? Quiet down. Or I’llfling a fork at you.

(5) People who hug too much? Back off. I don’t want to dance with you, I just want to say hello.

(6) Anyone who responds to “Thank you!” with “No problem?” I don’t care if it’s a problem or not. The only correct response is “You’re welcome.”

(7) Magazines: Stop running articles about people losing weight and people gaining weight. This world is going to hell in a hand basket and the last thing that matters is how plump or lean we are on that particular journey.

(8) Pedestrians with smart phones who expect the rest of us to clear out of your way as you zip down the street, eyes fixed on your device? Look up! Watch out! (If not, please don’t be surprised if I snicker when you fall into that open manhole.)

(9) Waiters who ask “Are you still working on that?” Let me explain.  Dining out, for me, isn‘t work. It‘s fun. But it’s a a lot less fun when you come at me with that question.

(10) Supermarket shoppers attempting to sneak a full cart through the 10-items-or-less lane? Maybe 2018 can be the year you learn to count.

(11) Folks who hit “reply all” when responding to a group email? Pause for a moment to think before you send. Unless your email contains something so embarrassingly juicy that you‘d die before you‘d let me read it. Then go ahead — hit send and make my day.

(12) Children who have grown up and are no longer living at home? Phone your mom. Tell her you love her. Even if you don’t. (Especially if you don’t…)

(13) Library patrons who returned the DVD late, but want to weasel out of paying the fine? Shut up. Pay the fine. Public libraries are a gift and a treasure, and they desperately need funding. Thank you.

(14) I don’t want to ever hear, read or even think the word “Kardashian” again. Anywhere. Ever. Got that?

(15) And guys? Can we make 2018 the year the toilet seat finally stays down? Thank you.



(Roz Warren  is the author of Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which you should buy immediately.)



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3 thoughts on “My Resolutions For You In 2018”

  1. What a wonderful list! May I add one? When you’re sitting in a movie theatre, keep your feet off of the seat in front of you. It is not an ottoman aka footrest.

  2. No 1: This includes people who have loud cell phone arguments with significant others while riding a subway or a bus. Fellow passengers can’t get away very easily.

    No 2: I was laid off from my receptionist job in 2016, and those in charge set up a phone tree. I heard from my union shop steward that it was not a smart move, and it caused confusion.

    No 5: You are obviously not Italian. Italians love to greet with kisses. And no, it does NOT mean you are being marked for death. They are just saying hello!

    No 9: While you’re at it, please ask waiters and busboys to stop interrupting patrons’ conversations to reach for a plate and ask, “Are you finished?” This is especially obnoxious when there is still food on the plate. Some people are fast eaters, and some are not.

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