Nursery Rhymes For The NRA

By: Janet Golden and Roz Warren

 

Awhile back, the NRA  rewrote a number of Grimm’s fairy tales to include guns. In their version of Little Red Riding Hood, for instance, Red is packing heat. And so is grandma! So when the big bad wolf tries to attack them? BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Happy Ending.

Encouraging children and toddlers to cozy up to handguns? Great idea!  In this spirit, we’ve rewritten a few nursery rhymes, NRA-style, for you to read to your kids:

 

 

Hickory dickory dock

The mouse ran up the clock.

The clock struck one.

I nailed the other one

With my open carry Glock.

 

Jack Sprat Could Eat no fat

His wife could eat no lean

So between the two of them

They decided to hold  up a grocery store.

 

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To fetch a box of ammo

Jack fell down

And broke his crown

So   — BLAM! – Jill put him out of his misery with her Taurus PT111 Millennium G2.

 

Hey Diddle Diddle

The cat and the Uzi

The cow jumped over the Luger

The little dog laughed to see such guns

And the dish ran away with a Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum.

 

Rub-a-dub-dub

Three men in a tub.

BANG!

One perp, one eyewitness and one murder victim in a tub.

 

One Two, buckle my shoe

Three Four, Open the Door to The Gun Safe

Five Six, Pick up Daddy’s magnum.

Seven Eight, Try to shoot straight

Nine Ten, Do it again.

 

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

Went Up The Water Spout.

Two toddlers used him for target practice

And BANG! took him (and the water spout and a good chunk of the roof) right  out.

 

Baa baa gun dealer

Have you any weapons?

Yes sir yes sir three bags full

One for your toddler

And one for your teen

And one for the little girl who lives down the lane.

Baa baa gun dealer

Do we need to get permits?

Are you kidding me? We’re at a gun show. Not a problem!

 

Goergie Porgie

Pudding and pie

Kissed the girls

And made them cry.

Till one pulled out her AK-47,

Squeezed the trigger and cried, “See you in Heaven!”

 

Higgledy

Piggeldy

The NRA

Facilitates gun deaths

Every day.

 

Now that your kids are clamoring for their own weapons, you can read this classic bedtime story to them. We’ve altered it slightly:

 

Goodnight, Cruel World

In the great ammo room

There was a Ruger

And a well-armed shooter.

And a picture of

An NRA official over the moon

There were many little Senators sitting on chairs

And very rich lobbyists

And a big pile of dollars

And many victims frowning

And a big heap of Brownings

And an IED, and great big tripwire

And a bunch of militiamen whispering “fire”

Goodnight Remingtons

Goodnight Smith and Wesson

Goodnight NRA

And thanks for the pro-gun lesson.

 

 

(Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR. Janet Golden writes humor when she isn’t writing history.)