By: Janet Golden and Roz Warren
Awhile back, the NRA rewrote a number of Grimm’s fairy tales to include guns. In their version of Little Red Riding Hood, for instance, Red is packing heat. And so is grandma! So when the big bad wolf tries to attack them? BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Happy Ending.
Encouraging children and toddlers to cozy up to handguns? Great idea! In this spirit, we’ve rewritten a few nursery rhymes, NRA-style, for you to read to your kids:
Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the clock.
The clock struck one.
I nailed the other one
With my open carry Glock.
Jack Sprat Could Eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So between the two of them
They decided to hold up a grocery store.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a box of ammo
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
So — BLAM! – Jill put him out of his misery with her Taurus PT111 Millennium G2.
Hey Diddle Diddle
The cat and the Uzi
The cow jumped over the Luger
The little dog laughed to see such guns
And the dish ran away with a Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum.
Three men in a tub.
One perp, one eyewitness and one murder victim in a tub.
One Two, buckle my shoe
Three Four, Open the Door to The Gun Safe
Five Six, Pick up Daddy’s magnum.
Seven Eight, Try to shoot straight
Nine Ten, Do it again.
The Itsy Bitsy Spider
Went Up The Water Spout.
Two toddlers used him for target practice
And BANG! took him (and the water spout and a good chunk of the roof) right out.
Baa baa gun dealer
Have you any weapons?
Yes sir yes sir three bags full
One for your toddler
And one for your teen
And one for the little girl who lives down the lane.
Baa baa gun dealer
Do we need to get permits?
Are you kidding me? We’re at a gun show. Not a problem!
Pudding and pie
Kissed the girls
And made them cry.
Till one pulled out her AK-47,
Squeezed the trigger and cried, “See you in Heaven!”
Facilitates gun deaths
Now that your kids are clamoring for their own weapons, you can read this classic bedtime story to them. We’ve altered it slightly:
Goodnight, Cruel World
In the great ammo room
There was a Ruger
And a well-armed shooter.
And a picture of
An NRA official over the moon
There were many little Senators sitting on chairs
And very rich lobbyists
And a big pile of dollars
And many victims frowning
And a big heap of Brownings
And an IED, and great big tripwire
And a bunch of militiamen whispering “fire”
Goodnight Smith and Wesson
And thanks for the pro-gun lesson.
(Roz Warren is the author of OUR BODIES, OUR SHELVES: A COLLECTION OF LIBRARY HUMOR. Janet Golden writes humor when she isn’t writing history.)