Properly Installed Toilet Paper Holders | HumorOutcasts

Properly Installed Toilet Paper Holders

November 7, 2018
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Today I am grateful for properly installed toilet paper holders.  Seems appropriate after an election day, doesn’t it?  Let’s get rid of the blasted ads and talk about stuff that matters.  Toilet paper holders matter.

 

In our recent travels I’ve encountered every nimrod way a holder could be hung.  With my sciatica and now sore Achilles tendon and generous bottom, on road trips I will sometimes use the handicapped stalls.  They offer more room and a merciful grab bar.

 

Except for some reason that escapes me, no one who installs the toilet paper holder is human.  Could they please SIT on the toilet to decide where to put it?  And do we really need them to be the size of a tractor tire?  Or in some cases two tractor tires?  I don’t like being intimidated by the toilet paper holder.

And when you install said tractor tire on the wall underneath the merciful grab bar, how do you expect a human person, who needs the assistance of a grab bar in the first place, to reach three feet underneath the behemoth and actually connect with the toilet paper?  Impossible.

 

And if a person does make contact, with upturned wrist and clenched teeth and can manage to pinch fragile paper between two fingers, how do you expect her to get more than one torn square inch of it at a time off of a roll that has the tension of a compressor pulley?  Impossible.

 

While I’m going there, if a stall is for “handicapped” that can mean all manner of issues.  Is it really necessary to hang a razor sharp trash can and the aforementioned toilet paper tire under the grab bar, so close that it almost overhangs the actual toilet?  Why not put them above, where lacerations can be avoided and a person can see what they are reaching for?  It’s maddening.

 

Don’t get me started on the toilet paper roll being empty or having one of those slide bars to start a new roll. . .that stopped sliding in 1998.  Or what it feels like to reach up and grab something, anything, only to realize that you’ve now got two rolls going and have just pulled off enough paper to play pranks on an entire neighborhood.  Ridiculous.

 

When we were on the road recently Himself hated it when I went to the bathroom at a rest area, because I was always sharing the bathroom nightmares with him.  So imagine his joy when I came out of a mini-mart rest stop and showed him the picture of this toilet paper holder. I can easily imagine the conversation between the woman working at the store and the man hired to hang it.

 

Man:  The templet for the franchise says to hang it right here.

Woman:  No one will be able to reach the paper.  Can’t you move it up?

Man:  I can’t do that ma’am.  I have to hang it according to the standard of the franchise.

Woman:  Is there anything in the standard that says you have to hang it straight? (Now the man is confused and thinking about it.)

Man:  No, there isn’t.

Woman:  Good.  Then hang it lopsided so a person sitting on the toilet can actually reach the paper!

 

I love a properly installed toilet paper holder.  Don’t you?

Mary Mooney

From cranking hair in my Midwestern town of Sheboygan, Wisconsin, to eastern Pennsylvania, to three years writing for large hotels in Jakarta, Indonesia, humor has been my constant.

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One Response to Properly Installed Toilet Paper Holders

  1. November 13, 2018 at 2:02 pm

    I would love a properly installed toilet paper holder if I ever encountered one. Unfortunately, my experience has been similar to yours. One more reason to love being retired and using the bathroom at home!



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