Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/13/18 | HumorOutcasts

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/13/18

June 13, 2018
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Congratulations to HumorOutcasts’ very own Paul Lander on receiving his second National Society of Newspaper Columnists award for his ‘Ripping the Headlines’ column. Here’s what the judges had to say, and, we agree: Lander’s got a great bead on the national political scene with his “Ripping the Headlines” column. Some really good riffs on Trump & Co. — and every other hiccup on the national scene. Quick and clever reads. Follow Paul on Twitter and see all the fun there too.

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump/Kim summit: US and North Korean leaders hold historic talks

No word if Kim brought coffee mugs to Summit from same store as giant envelope to draw attention to Trump’s tiny hands.

Willie Nelson reveals why he’s still ‘On the Road Again’ at 85

Uh, he’s smoked so much weed, he forgot where his house is…?

Merkel: G-7 summit with Trump was a ‘sobering’ experience

Really, Angela? ‘Cause it’s driving the rest of us to drink.

Justices side with Colorado baker on same-sex wedding cake

If gay people boycott working on straight people weddings, there’ll be no weddings….

Report: Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert believes he can build championship team without LeBron James

Ambien strikes again!

Manafort faces new indictment with witness tampering allegations, his attorneys deny he’s a flight risk

This guy doesn’t need a lawyer; he needs Kim Kardashian on his speed dial.

Giuliani says people who work in Porn should get zero respect

Really?  Looks to me like the only difference right now between Stormy Daniel and Rudy is they both screw people for money, but Stormy is actually good at her job.

Rachel Dolezal, former NAACP leader who posed as a black woman, accused of welfare fraud

Not only isn’t she black, bet we find out she’s related to Meghan Markle on the white side of her family.

Trump didn’t know the words to ‘God Bless America’ during White House replacement event for Eagles celebration

Of course not, his name isn’t mentioned in it.

Man run down, 50 years after killing girl in hit-and-run

…now that’s ‘Carma.’

Trump: Trudeau’s criticism will cost Canada ‘a lot of money’

Damn, I didn’t know he could force Canada into investing in a real estate project with Jared Kushner.

New York’s Katz’s Deli offers a subscription service for its famous pastrami

Or, as it’s also known, a ‘Heart Bipastrami’ subscription.

Hannity: Mueller witnesses should ‘bash their phones to pieces’

Given the amount of people that’ll need new phones, I’m buying Apple stock!

Ivanka Trump tweeted a ‘Chinese proverb’ that doesn’t actually exist

Like Lincoln said ‘don’t trust everything you read on the internet.’

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Nobel Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa’s indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has worked as a writer and/or producer for shows on ABC, NBC, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO and Lifetime. In addition, he’s written standup material that’s been performed on “Fallon,” "Maher" “Letterman,” “Conan” and “Last Comic Standing.” His humor pieces have been accepted at American Bystander, McSweeney‘s, The New Yorker, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog, Santa Fe Writers Project Journal and Humor Times. He has won awards from the National Soc. of Newspaper Columnists, London's Blogger's Bash and Univ. of Dayton's Bombeck Workshop. Now, on to Paul’s time commanding Special Forces in Khandahar…

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8 Responses to Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/13/18

  1. June 14, 2018 at 8:56 pm

    Congratulations, Paul Lander!!!

    • Paul
      June 15, 2018 at 7:28 pm

      Thanks!

  2. Bill Spencer
    June 14, 2018 at 6:44 am

    You are truly a headliner. Congratulations!

    • Paul
      June 15, 2018 at 7:28 pm

      Appreciate it!

  3. June 13, 2018 at 9:09 pm

    You deserve champagne and major kudos. I know that I feel privileged to have you here on this site. You do make me laugh!

    • Paul
      June 15, 2018 at 7:29 pm

      Shucks! Appreciate it!

  4. June 13, 2018 at 5:35 pm

    My favorite was about Rudy and Stormy. Shared.

    • Paul
      June 15, 2018 at 7:29 pm

      Gracias!

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