Selfie Prayer | HumorOutcasts

Selfie Prayer

June 6, 2018

O most Glorious Camera Phone,

Faithful Servant of iGadgetry and our Very Right Instagram

Grant me good angles,
Favorable lighting,
And composition that doesn’t cause loved ones suffering as they wonder if I’ve been on a bender.
Guide me in judicious cropping.
Intercede for me that I may gently Photoshop evidence of inconsistent SPF application, parenting, and bad decisions,
Without losing perspective or character.

Let my smile be bright and free of lunch remnants.
Let my pose be neither Kardashian nor Beckham.
If it be Divine Will that I Walk the Heavenly Red Carpet, flanked by photographers both Divine and Amateur,
Let me not be Chicken Wing-ed
And let my belly be perfectly perpendicular to Heaven and not spilleth over due to Holy Generosity
And cakes.

And if it comes to be that
For reasons mysterious and mighty,
My likeness is shared with people
Be it of my own free will or the free will of others who have my best interests in mind,

Let me not apologize for my lack of
Supernatural tan-in-a-can,
Anti-Frizz Spray,
Or any other Thing which makes me Human.

Help me resist the temptation to post photos of my every meal, fellow travelers, or fellow travelers’ meals.

And forgive the young ones their Duck Faces.
They know not what they do.

Jackie Pick

Jackie Pick is a former teacher who only recently embraced her true calling as a word monkey. She is a contributing author to both Multiples Illuminated anthologies, as well as Here in the Middle and So Glad They Told Me: Women Get Real About Motherhood and the Audie-nominated Nevertheless We Persisted. Her writing has appeared in the literary magazines The Sun and Selfish, as well as various online sites including Mamalode, The HerStories Project, and Scary Mommy. She is also co-writer and executive producer of the award-winning short film Fixed Up and a proud member of the 2017 Chicago cast of Listen To Your Mother. A graduate of the University of Chicago and Northwestern, Jackie lives in the Chicago area with her husband and her three children. You can follow Jackie on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook, where she mostly just apologizes for not updating her blog.

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5 Responses to Selfie Prayer

  1. Bill Spencer
    June 8, 2018 at 7:45 am


  2. June 7, 2018 at 11:13 am

    Amusing and a tongue in cheek piece. Thoroughly enjoyed every line.

  3. June 7, 2018 at 9:34 am

    Welcome aboard!

    • June 7, 2018 at 10:11 am

      Thank you! I’m so happy to be here!

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