UN Auditions New Acts

After Trump’s recent faux accomplishment skit at the UN, Antonio Guterres, UN General Secretary has announced open auditions for new acts.

“It’s only fair to the other members” Guterres explained. “It’s pretty dull around here and many feel they can get better laughs than Trump”

Mizslo Grobicz, Serbian Deputy Ambassador to the UN was quick to throw his hat into the ring.
“Everyone loves good Balkan joke, no? Two Albanians, a Bosnian and Serb walk into bar. Ah, I tell more next Tuesday. You come?” Mizslo flashed a Glock sidearm stuck in his belt for emphasis.

Not that it has to be comedy.

“Nothing but net for this sheep”

Fresh off a strong performance in the Third World Nomad Games, the Kyrgyzstan Equestrian team has petitioned to allow the always thrilling Kok Boru competition to be played in the UN parking lot. Last year the Kazakhs were skunked when the Kyrgyzstani team heaved two sheep in the Kazakh well, winning 2-0. The smart money has the Kazakhs winning the next match with goats.

“Let’s see what you’ve got, Harvey”

The White House has not taken this lying down. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced that Steve Bannon has challenged all comers to a World’s Most Slovenly Man contest. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein is said to be in a crash training program, while Michael Moore is undecided between competing or filming the event.

Not to be outdone, Democrats have proposed a panel discussion on losing while winning. Al Gore and Hilary Clinton are ready to reprise their roles, though there seems to be little enthusiasm when one can watch Kazakhs toss goats into wells instead.

Everyone loves a parade, so the saying goes. Particularly a military parade.

So, the North Koreans have challenged the Russians and the Chinese to an MTM (men, tanks and missiles) competition down 5th Avenue. The crack Kim Jong-un ‘Rocket Man’ division may just take the crown, though ‘Putin Piranha’s’ special forces unit and the loathed Chinese ‘Tiananmen Tigers’ internal security police are not to be taken lightly. We all know what happens to losers in these countries.

Those bored with jackboots pounding pavement can watch the aerial thrill show. Supersonic jet fighters from Russia, China, the U.S, and Iran will compete to see who can make the closest hostile pass to a mothballed Navy Cruiser without clipping a wing and cartwheeling in flames into New York Harbor.

But it’s not all guns and ammo. What about the arts you say?

“This beats rolling gringos”

Well, leave it to some enterprising smaller countries to put on their own stage version of the classic MGM musical hit Guys and Dolls.

But in this case its Guays vs Gals. Uruguay and Paraguay will compete against Portugal and Senegal. Street hustlers from Montevideo’s slums will play parts such as Benny and Rusty lending a gritty authenticity Damon Runyon would have loved. But don’t count out the ‘gals’. Afro-Portu fusion makes for an unorthodox, sexy Sarah trying to save the Mission.

Responding to requests by the French and Indian delegations, there will also be a mime theater presentation on March 22, World Mime Day. Eclectic participants include Blue Man Group, Kiko the Mime, and Mime Madhu all depicting a typical Trump Cabinet Meeting and press conference. Many hope this will encourage the President to adopt the practice for his next UN address. Given that his vocabulary is already limited to ‘great’, ‘fantastic’ and a few other tired adjectives, mime should not be such a stretch for him.

UN General Secretary Antonio Guterres put it well when he said:

“Supporting human rights, saving starving children and trying to rein in climate change is all well and good, but if it isn’t fun and entertaining to 14 year-olds, it seems the world will go on texting without us. We thank President Trump for his recent humor and the epiphany it has brought to us.”

He also announced that Ryan Seacrest’s production company has bought the rights to what will be called “The UN, UNcanny, UNbelievable, UNforgettable.”

Then Secretary General Guterres commented further.

“Now we are on the path to fiscal solvency. By 2020 we will be able to afford more redundant staff positions, set aside reserve funds for motor vehicle violations, and reupholster Security Council seats, worn thin by years of contact with an endless series of bloviating asses.”

Members of Congress are considering following the U.N.’s lead. But, given that Congress has long been classified as a circus by the Carnival and Circus Accreditation Association, they’ve reluctantly decided there would be little point in pursuing it.   They’re already there.

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