Why Books Are The Best Christmas Gifts | HumorOutcasts

Why Books Are The Best Christmas Gifts

December 16, 2018

This would seem a good time to remind you that books are the best Christmas gifts. Yes, even for non-readers: In fact, books owned by people who don’t read are not only great re-gifts, but when not re-gifted they’re the books in the best condition. No dog-ears, no food stains, no bent pages … pristine. Two hundred years from now, you can resell those books for enough money to make up for inflation, if you should happen to still be alive.

In addition to that, books:

Never talk about politics unless you want them to.

Can be effective weapons for self defense, especially if written by George R.R. Martin.

Make bookcases more useful. In bookcases used for a figurine collection, a few books between the ceramic angels can keep you from having to rename your furniture.

Can be hollowed out to hide contraband and/or listening devices.

Require no batteries, unless they house listening devices.

Almost never rot your brain … depending on the book.

Don’t have to be read in a crowded book theater; there’s no guy sitting right in front of you yakking into his cell phone, unless you have kids. Send the kids to the movies.

Never go offline during power outages, assuming you have backup lighting. If you don’t have backup lighting, are you really smart enough to read?

Support local authors. Well, support local authors if the authors live near you. But they’re local for someone, aren’t they? Even Anne Rice lives somewhere. I assume.

This is Glinda the Good, reading Game of Thrones. And so the clash of universes is complete.


You could even use books as mouse traps and fly swatters, but I wouldn’t recommend it. That’s how I lost most of my ceramic angel collection.

No, just use them for reading. I’ll bet you could even find some good books at … HumorOutcast Press.

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of three romantic comedies: Radio Red, Storm Chaser, and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, and Hoosier Hysterical. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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5 Responses to Why Books Are The Best Christmas Gifts

  1. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    December 23, 2018 at 1:55 pm

    The Legend is not too good at reading between the lines but I’m guessing you like books.

  2. December 18, 2018 at 5:22 pm

    You provide a compelling argument about why books are the best Christmas presents. I actually caught a fly in my book a few minutes ago when I was reading. I don’t know which amazed me more – that I trapped the fly or that on a frigid winter day there was a fly buzzing around my book!

    • December 22, 2018 at 3:42 am

      Both equally surprising! I caught one that way once, but it was summer … left an interesting pattern for the next reader.

  3. Jim Nolan
    December 16, 2018 at 3:53 pm

    Love this, Mark. Does Glinda have an advance copy of “A Dream of Spring?”

    • December 17, 2018 at 12:21 am

      Well, Glinda’s Great Book of Records is supposed to record everything that goes on in the world,so at least she would know about it!

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