WASHINGTON, D.C. Responding to concerns about his health after a non-routine visit to Walter Reed Hospital Saturday, President Donald Trump agreed to turn over one of the nation’s most closely-guarded secrets, the “dirty” version of the lyrics to the rock song “Louie Louie,” to Vice President Michael Pence.
“The secret is safe with this nerd!”
“Fine, if everybody’s going to get all paranoid, Pence can carry the ‘Louie Louie’ football,” Trump said, referring to the briefcase containing nuclear codes which, when activated, transform the copyrighted lyrics into the ribald version of the song typically performed at frat parties.
Pence accepted the awesome responsibility with the self-effacing humility that has become the Midwesterner’s trademark. “When that song came out I–-like a lot of other kids–-spent hours with my ear up to a cheap Radio Shack speaker, trying to decipher lyrics that I thought would unlock the meaning of life,” Pence said to a gaggle of music reporters from the front porch of Number One Observatory Circle, his official residence. “I never thought that we might have to use the song that has brought so much joy to so many horny young people as a weapon.”
“Louie Louie” was written by Richard Berry in 1955 and has become part of the canon of rock ‘n roll classics that have withstood the test of time. Perhaps the best-known version of the song is by The Kingsmen, in which the mock-Jamaican lyrics are rendered in an unintelligible fashion, giving rise to speculation that the distortion conceals prurient matter.
“We have known about the dirty words of ‘Louis Louis’ for some time,” said Christopher A. Wray, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, using the song’s formal, legal name. “Pornographic content concealed in popular culture was once used to destroy America’s youth, but there are unfortunately no remaining American youths who haven’t been corrupted.”
Wray: “Me find a bone . . . ah, in her hair?”
The song was the subject of an FBI investigation in the sixties when an outraged parent wrote to Attorney General Robert Kennedy to complain that The Kingsmen’s version was “obscene and pornographic.” After listening to a 45 rpm record played at 33 rpm’s and deciphering the lyrics, Kennedy took swift action. “Hey Jack–Teddy!” he was quoted as saying at the time. “C’mere–listen to this!”
The lyrics to “Louie Louie” are America’s third most closely-guarded secret, after the formula for Coca-Cola and the recipe for KFC Popcorn Chicken. According to Anthony Wright, a college classmate of the Vice President, Pence kept a notebook in which he would write down his interpretations of the song’s muddled vocal track. An excerpt that has been making the rounds contains this entry:
At night, at ten, I’ll see her again.
Share crib notes from-ah-class today.
Ah on her bed, I dropped my pen–
I smelled some toast . . . ah, in her hair.
Pence has responded to a hostile White House press corps with a less defensive tone than his boss, leading some reporters to wish privately for Trump to step down, a possibility that the Vice President has rejected. “What do you do if the President resigns?” he asked Meet the Press host Chuck Todd, alluding to principles of succession under the U.S. Constitution. “The Vice President is in charge,” Todd replied. “What happens if the Vice President dies?” Pence persisted, to which Todd responded “The Speaker of the House is in charge.” “And what happens if the speaker dies?” Pence asked sharply, guessing that Todd would be ignorant of a basic provision of the U.S. Constitution.
Todd: “Nancy Pelosi? Roger Goodell?”
When Todd hesitated, Pence answered his own question: “You go to Radio Shack and get a new one!”