Climate Change and the Cher Solution | HumorOutcasts

Climate Change and the Cher Solution

April 27, 2019

This is Cher at her 300th birthday


Scientists desperately seeking solutions to the perils of climate change have stumbled upon a remarkable strategy to save Mother Earth.

Since the climate is changing so quickly, the “scientific” reasoning goes, we need a way to stop, or slow down, this change.

One night, while eating an emissions-free dinner of lentil soup, lentil salad, lentil steak, lentil wine and lentil ice cream, leading scientist Everett Missions loaded his favourite Cher song on iTunes, Half Breed. Dr. Missions listens to Half Breed with ear buds on, of course. Missions knows that even if his earth-saving mission succeeds, the world’s mission will be to strap him to a horse and send him into ISIS-controlled Fallujah for having this derogatory song on his playlist.

Suddenly, it struck him.

What hasn’t changed in centuries? Cher’s face! Like the great pyramids. Like Stonehenge. It has stood the brutal effects of time and the elements. Compared to the Great Sphinx of Giza? Not even a contest. Cher still has her beautiful nose, and many of her “secret chambers” have yet to be explored.

Little known fact: Gutzon Borglum, the architect of Mount Rushmore, was ready to carve Cher’s face into the unforgiving granite. Then he realized, hey, Cher’s face will last longer in real life. “What’s the point, and I’m really tired of jack-hammering into this fucking hard-ass rock.”

What’s on her skin? How do her cheeks, her smile, stay immutable in time? It’s as if she’s been carved out of fresh butter, set in a wind tunnel, and then flash-frozen.

Missions pondered, hoping to save humanity, and make a little money on the side.

Mr. Missions plans to study what combination of oils, soaps, masks, facials, peels, scrapes, extracts, muds, charcoals, creams, lotions, fruits and vegetables Cher uses, and cover the Earth with these magnificent ingredients.

Mr. Missions has no delusions. He knows it will be tough to cover the entire Earth with this planet-saving recipe, especially when people could slip on a cream or peel and injure their tailbone.

“If a face can stop changing, so can a climate.”

Hopeful words, indeed.


I am a graphic designer, humour writer, musician and piano teacher. And that's only during the day. At night I fight crime and hang out with my wonderful family.

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2 Responses to Climate Change and the Cher Solution

  1. April 28, 2019 at 8:49 am

    Go back to Itunes. Put on the buds. The song you need to hear is. ‘If I could turn back time.’

    • April 29, 2019 at 4:09 pm

      I’m hoping Chaz Bono can solve everything.

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