Soon, if we are to believe all the predictions, coyotes will be roaming city and countryside in six packs. Or maybe even convenient 12-packs. Why? The simple reason is that we–humans–have encroached on their territory. So they’re fighting back–not just sitting up on their hind legs, baying, and saying FU Humans!
This is how it will look from the human perspective:
1. Coyotes will replace juvenile delinquents(we now call them homeless or errant youths), who will either be imprisoned or hidden in basements with ping pong tables. The coyotes will form gangs. They will wear different colored T-shirts and elect a gang leader who will concentrate on PR and problems of the coyote community like what do you do when a human comes after you with a broom or a shovel–do you (a) run for your life; (b) retreat into the Coyote Yoga Center; or (c) howl mournfully and scare the shit out of the aforesaid human?
2. Coyotes will slowly expand their prey tastes. While once rabbits were the main course, they will switch to small children with red hair. (Statistically speaking this is a small group so don’t worry, you can always dye the kid’s hair and fool Senor Coyote.) When they run out of red-headed kids, they’ll shop at Safeway in the poultry section–they have great deals on filleted chicken breasts.
3. Coyotes will mess with the DNA at research labs across the country and their exploits will greatly affect upcoming generations. DNA-tweaked coyotes will become fast learners and vie for freshman slots at MIT, Stanford and Harvard. They may make small alterations in their appearance. They may drop the wannabe wolf look and go for the puppy dog, fetch-my-ball image. Researchers have found that dog-like coyotes are better able to interact with humans while the wolfie ones, while useful in scaring away larger predators like bears and elk, do not contribute to the sustainable eco-system environmental habitat thing.
4. Once coyotes learn to mutate their howls into pop rock, they will be the latest trend since sliced bread or quiche. Record companies will covet their brands, and after a few world tours, The Coyotes, The Quiet Coyotes, The Wild Coyotes and other band and vocal groups will join together and hold conventions similar to Comicon, where everyone–coyotes and humans alike–will dress up like punk, hip hop and rap coyotes. Tourists will take selfies with their favorite coyote and these will go viral on Twitter, the better to spread the species turnaround.
5. Once their intellect and long-term goals are reshaped, the coyotes will concentrate on modifying their ears. I’ve heard that although their larger than human ears allow for more piercings and thus more jewelry and other hardware, these accessories often don’t win any beauty contests. Judges at coyote shows penalize entrants with too much metal. That’s because many coyotes still have a gang mentality and decorate their ears with tats and hearing aids. Yes, hearing aids. Elderly coyotes are not shy or reticent about powering up with today’s health technology. And they have nothing better to do with their time than attend shows and take away fab ribbons.
6. No judgments, please. The next step will be interspecies coupling. The first coyote and human to wed will doubtless make it onto every media venue in the world, but no one will care because as the species grow physically and emotionally closer to each other, they also will mellow out. And progeny of this coupling will do well by this merger: Kids will grow up with better teeth–no cavities and the ability to pulverize a steak in mere seconds. On the other hand they may disappear for long periods of time, visiting zoos and wildlife preserves to get in touch with their authentic nature.
7. At this point no one will badmouth coyotes because they will go by a different name: Homocoy. Everyone will applaud this sudden abandonment of racist views. Black homocoys and white homocoys as well as Asian homocoys will figuratively speaking join hands, vow to usher in peace and cook foods known for their stereotyped images like hotdogs, hamburgers, fried mongoose, roast pig and barbecued ribs.
8. The squirrels, gerbils and other rodents will be jealous of the coyote’s metamorphosis and want to repeat the process in their own species, but they respect the Darwinian theory of evolution and will wait a few centuries until supermarkets run out of kale and soy products. Then when humans and homocoys look to rodents for food, the latter will pull a fast one and don their beetle costumes so that no one will be able to identify them. Of course the next thing you know people will be eating bugs like caterpillars, butterflies and even wasps.
9. Life will be joyful and productive on the planet for the next 600 years. Everyone will thank the coyotes for their contributions and attribute the lack of wars in the Mideast and Russia to the harmonious interaction of coyotes and humans. The Nobel Prize will go to one homocoy known as Boris the Magnificent and Boris will be modest about his achievements but swear that in the near future he will initiate a cleanse of the planet, which may be code for “do-over.”
10. The sun goes on vacation, the earth has a glacial freeze and everyone dies off except the polar bears, who now are the powers behind the throne. The only problem with the polar bears is they are picky eaters so they don’t survive for long. The sun resurrects itself, and the planet applauds the return of the elitest species. The homocoys were smart and before climate change bought their cold weather clothes from Neiman Marcus and REI. So they upstage the polar bears in a swift bloodless coup d’etat. The homocoys take a distaste to their name and tell at least one reporter that they’re afraid people will regard them as homosexuals even though they’re hermaphroditic. So they adopt the name “humacoy.” Now everyone is copacetic–coyotes, humacoys and the few surviving humans who let the other species rule while they play computer games.
Life is great and all because the coyotes started coming into suburban neighborhoods. Fate is like that, and everyone chants their favorite positive cliche while the apocalypse comes and all the good species are beamed up into heaven. The End