Eve Writes Her Memoir | HumorOutcasts

Eve Writes Her Memoir

March 7, 2019
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How I Ended Up East of Eden[1] by Eve

What was I thinking? It isn’t as though we didn’t have enough to eat. We had a whole smorgasbord there in Eden, made up of all kinds of food except meat. We didn’t mind not having meat, though, because we didn’t know any better back then. All of the animals in Eden were supposed to be friends for my husband Adam, not food. That was before Adam got his operation where God took out a rib and made me from it. At any rate, Adam and I more or less divided up the animal friends. I took the cute ones and let him have the others, including the slimy ones, like the snake. I should have paid more attention to the snake. More about that later.

Anyway, we had a lot of trees in Eden, including a slew of fruit trees, so there was no need for me to want to try the one fruit we weren’t allowed to eat. According to what God told us, it was poison, and we would die from it. It looked so good, though, that I never really believed it could be so dangerous to eat it. I mean, what could one little bite do? But God told us not to eat it, so we left it alone. Better safe than sorry.

One day the snake came sidling up to me on his four little legs and began to talk to me. I was shocked because I never knew we had a talking snake in Eden.

“I’m sorry. Did I scare you?” he said.

“Yes!” I answered. “What do you want?”

“I’m just being friendly. Say, isn’t that the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Oh, nothing. How come you never eat any of its fruit?”

“God told us not to,” I said. If we eat it, we’ll die.”

“Get outta here!” he said.

“Really. It’s true.”

“You know what I think?” he said. “I think you won’t die at all if you eat the fruit of that tree. I think it will give you knowledge and you’ll be like God. That’s what I think.”

“You really think so?” I asked.

“Come on. Try some. One little bite can’t hurt.”

The thought of turning into a goddess was extremely tempting. I had a feeling Adam wouldn’t mind turning into a god, too.

“Okay,” I said. “But if this turns out bad, I’m blaming you.”

To make a long story short, I took a bite of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. I didn’t notice any change, but it tasted good, so I brought some of it to Adam. Being the idiot he is, he took what I gave him and ate it.

Then the effects happened, the strongest of which was that we both suddenly noticed we weren’t wearing any clothes. Until then, it hadn’t mattered, but now it did. We rushed around, gathered fig leaves together and made loincloths for ourselves. They didn’t cover us very well, but it was the best we could do with what we had.

After that, Adam and I had a big fight. He blamed me for getting him in trouble, and I blamed him for being such a moron. He stomped off and hid somewhere. So did I. The snake, who was laughing like a hyena through all this, stayed where he was to try to catch some sun.

I stayed hidden until evening, which was when God always came to visit us. I could hear him coming as usual. Boy, was I scared! I didn’t know how God was going to react. After all, He was the Supreme Being, and we were just a couple of jerks that He put together from some dust and a rib. And He did warn us not to eat from that tree.

Of course, we had to come out from hiding and Adam had to admit what had gone down. You can’t hide from God, and you can’t lie to Him, so you might as well give up and take your lumps. Adam blamed me. I blamed the snake, as I had said I would. God took away the snake’s legs and told him he’d have to crawl on his belly from then on. It served that sneaky little reptile right.

God warned both Adam and me about all the hardships we would be living from that point on, then He made us each some decent clothes and shooed us out of Eden. Ordinarily, I love to get a new dress, but this was my first one, and the circumstances didn’t warrant any kind of celebrating.

After God closed the garden gate on us, I suddenly remembered that I had left my purse behind. I turned around to go back in to get it, but the entrance was being guarded by a scary-looking angel. He didn’t look like the type who liked to fetch things for people, so I left it alone and walked away with Adam.

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[1] East of Eden is a novel by John Steinbeck, for those of you who don’t remember this. I thought it would be funny to include a reference to it here. … Well, it seemed like a good idea.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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3 Responses to Eve Writes Her Memoir

  1. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    March 10, 2019 at 8:34 am

    The word on the street is that Eve was the apple of Adam’s eye.

  2. March 7, 2019 at 4:24 pm

    I knew it! Vegetarians got us kicked out of Paradise.

    • March 7, 2019 at 11:33 pm

      Yes. Shame on those two wicked veggie eaters! Even the snake was a vegetarian! 😉 😀



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