Healthcare for All–Except for Teen Seals

A young seal crawled up a steep embankment and crossed four lanes of traffic to get to a hospital in Portland, Maine.  Male groundskeepers encouraged it to move on, and it was ultimately removed by a woman from a marine animal charity.

                                                                  The Boston Globe


“Ugh–too many squid!”

 

Oh man–am I sick!  I shouldn’t have had those two extra Buckets ‘o Crustaceans.  I started out the evening fine, setting firm limits: no more than 15 squid, 30 crabs, maybe a school of ocean perch–but that’s it!  Then, as always, the afflatus of conviviality worked its magic and I was stuffing myself at the shrimp bar, scarfing down octopi–I was the life of the party!


“Caesar salad with EXTRA anchovies, please!”

 

Now I’m paying for it.  Thank God we have healthcare for all here in America!  I’ll just go to the emergency room–they’ll give me some bicarbonate of soda or something.  Unfortunately because Bonne Secours Hospital got acquired by MegaHealth of America, then sold, then spun-off, then merged into Little Sisters of the Sacred Heart Health Center and Storm Door Company, I have to haul my sloppy wet ass all the way up this hill and over to Mercy Hospital in Portland.

Let’s see–I should probably take 295 South.  That’s quickest.  I just hope when I get there I don’t get a lecture about “acute care facilities should not be a patient’s principal source of care for day-to-day healthcare needs.”  I know that–but I’m sick, okay?  If I could plan my hangovers, I wouldn’t get hung over!

Jesus it’s busy for a Friday–hey WATCH IT!  I’m a goddamn seal, fer Christ sake! Aquatic animals have the right of way, and I had my turn whisker on.  Okay, here we go, exit 6A.  Better check my natural GPS:  Take US-302/ME-100/Forest Avenue. Bear right and continue south on State Street. Go up hill and cross Congress Street; the hospital will be on your right at 144 State Street.


“You’re going the wrong way!”

 

Sheesh–could they make it any harder?  Guess I’ll just have to trudge on, although crawling on my belly like a snake isn’t making me feel any better.

…………………………………

Finally–Emergency Entrance.  If I can just get past these two goobers shoveling snow.  Look at those hilljacks.  America’s Best and Brightest just aren’t going into healthcare.  You’d think with they could get somebody with a little intelligence to make for a more encouraging greeting.  I wouldn’t let those two operate on a quahog.

Hi, yeah, I’m . . . not feeling well.  Any chance I could get in to see somebody?

Do I have insurance?  I thought I was already covered.  It’s the law, you know–Obamacare?  Don’t you guys get cable up here?  Oh yeah?  Well thanks for the “encouragement” but I’m not leaving until I get to see someone.  Preferably a sweet, sensitive young thing who’ll look into my deeeep, soulful eyes and say to herself “Self–THIS is the seal for me!”


“That’s MUCH better!”

 

No, I am not leaving!  Call Marine Animals of Maine.  That place is loaded with crunchy-granola babes who actually care about nature.  Not two guys who if they weren’t tending the grounds at a hospital would be working on a loading dock.  Seriously?  You wanna try it?  I weigh 200 pounds.  I can hold my breath for 100 minutes.  We’ll see who lasts longer.

Hey, put me down!  I will not go quietly!  I will not be moved!  I will . . . there she is, just in time!  I’ll bet her name is something pretty like . . . Jennifer.  Or . . . Stephanie.

Yeah, hi, I am so glad you’re here.  These two losers tried to deny me basic healthcare, which is my right!

No, I didn’t hear the news.  Oh.  Maine doesn’t have its own health insurance exchange?  Crap.  Well, uh, listen, you seem . . . really nice.

Would you like to go for a swim, then get some lobsters?

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Wild Animals of Nature!”

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