Melania, What Are You Thinking?

I’ll admit it: Melania Trump’s stare gives me the willies. The frozen expression she frequently displays communicates the sangfroid of someone who has just bitten the head off of a live ferret and swallowed it whole, but doesn’t want you to think that the experience has distressed her in the slightest. (“I will not be rattled, you capitalist peasant!”) Indeed, the iciness of her visage could air-condition Mar-a-Lago’s atrium on a sweltering August afternoon. (“No need to turn down the thermostat, Sarah-Huck. Just stick Melania in the planter by the window.”)

What’s behind the First Lady’s affect-free laser gaze, one that brings back memories of T-1000 in Terminator 2? Here are 10 possibilities:

• She is, in fact, an android programmed by the Democratic National Committee to “deal with” the President prior to the 2020 election.
• She’s human, but one who has come to the soul-deadening realization that the cost of marrying for money is way too high.
• “What if Robert Mueller discovers that I’m Vladimir Putin’s sister?”
• “What if Robert Mueller discovers that I’m Vladimir’s Putin’s mistress?”
• “What if Robert Mueller discovers that I’m Vladimir Putin’s sister and his mistress?”
• “Who replaced the frontal lobe of my brain with foam packing peanuts, and why?” (See Possibility #1 above.)
• “I refuse to let people see how much it hurts me when they say I’m less personable than not only Michelle Obama, but also Mamie Eisenhower and Eva Braun.”
• “Why didn’t I wait until I turned 50 before getting industrial-strength Botox?”
• “All I ever wanted to do was come to America and replace Heidi Klum on Project Runway. How in Slovenian hell did I end up in Puerto Rico wearing galoshes and a Virgin Mary rain poncho, comforting hurricane victims who have no fashion sense?”
• “When Donald finally bursts from swallowing too many pizza-stuffed cheeseburgers without chewing, I’ll hold a nationally televised press conference to install my son Barron as President-for-Life. I will then replace Karlie Kloss on Project Runway and marry Omarosa. No man will ever touch me again!”

I’m not sure which one of the above scenarios is most likely true, but Ms. Kloss, I recommend checking the heels of your stilettos for nitroglycerin on a regular basis.