Nice Winters, and Other Strange Concepts | HumorOutcasts

Nice Winters, and Other Strange Concepts

January 12, 2019
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We had such a nice, warm winter going on there.

(Well … when you say “nice winter”, that’s always relative. But in northern Indiana, if the temperature stays above freezing for any amount of time in late December through January, that’s a nice winter.)

I wanted it to continue. I contacted my state representative and asked him to build a wall between us and Canada, to keep out those nasty polar vortexes. Look, I love Canada, but I understand why they call that country America’s Hat: They have to wear hats up there to keep their ears from falling off. For nine months a year.

You have to respect people who get by even though they think North Dakota is a bit too warm for them.

Anyway, my state representative recently got a frostbit nose on the Pokagon State Park toboggan run, and was thus sympathetic. He threatened to shut down the state government unless they funded a Games Of Thrones style ice wall, until it was pointed out to him that keeping a polar vortex out would require a wall eighteen miles high … and besides, Lake Michigan was a problem.

That guy has since moved to Boca Raton, which I discovered is in Florida. Traitor.

Just to make it clear, this is NOT Boca Raton.

So, without a wall or my backup idea involving a line of several hundred thousand salamanders pointed north, winter came back.

(Imagine my embarrassment when I discovered salamanders had to be powered by something, which made the idea financially unsound. I thought they all just crawled to the state line and breathed warm air into the wind.)

So one day I went outside to do yard work and it was in the low 50s (Fahrenheit–let’s not get silly). Two nights later it was 22 degrees, and lake-effect snow–which my wall would have stopped–was causing vehicles to skid all over like a Disney On Ice version of “Cars”.

Which … would be a brilliant show and I’d pay to go, come to think of it.

“Screw it, bring in the zamboni.”

Anyway, for awhile there we were having decent (relatively) weather and the south was getting clobbered with ice and snow. I feel for the south, but there’s a certain irony there: For most of my life I’ve sworn every winter that by next winter I’d move away; but like an angry Democrat celebrity, I never do. Honestly, I really love Indiana the rest of the year, but is a northern Indiana winter worth that?

Plan B was to become a rich author and have a winter home, an idea I abandoned when I found out the average author lives under the poverty line.

When it snows in the south the counties dig out their only snow plow (manufactured by Mack in 1959). Most adults stay in, most kids go out to throw snowballs, and people who have to drive somewhere crash. All of them. But there’s a good side: southern snow rarely lasts long, and pretty soon they get nice and toasty warm again (relatively).

Without a wall. Or maybe with, because I guess the upper Midwest functions as their winter barrier.

In any case it’s over now, and we can expect two or three months of complete ick. I shall survive by staying home as much as possible, writing under a multi-spectrum lamp while wearing both long flannel underwear and a big fluffy robe, and several layers in between. It’s not quite denial.

But it beats Boca Raton in the summer.

“What … you don’t like me?”

Mark R Hunter

Mark R Hunter is the author of three romantic comedies: Radio Red, Storm Chaser, and its sequel, The Notorious Ian Grant, as well as a related story collection, Storm Chaser Shorts. He also wrote a young adult adventure, The No-Campfire Girls, and a humor collection, Slightly Off the Mark. In addition, he collaborated with his wife, Emily, on the history books Images of America: Albion and Noble County, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, and Hoosier Hysterical. Mark’s work also appeared in the anthologies My Funny Valentine and Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology. For two decades Mark R Hunter has been an emergency dispatcher for the Noble County Sheriff Department. He’s served over 32 years as a volunteer for the Albion Fire Department, holding such positions as safety officer, training officer, secretary, and public information officer. He also has done public relations writing for the Noble County Relay For Life, among other organizations, and served two terms on the Albion Town Council. When asked if he has any free time, he laughs hysterically. Mark lives in Albion, Indiana, with his wife and editor Emily, a cowardly ball python named Lucius, and a loving, scary dog named Beowulf. He has two daughters and twin grandsons, and so naturally is considering writing a children’s book.

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4 Responses to Nice Winters, and Other Strange Concepts

  1. January 13, 2019 at 3:15 pm

    Stay warm, Mark! Only five months to go.

    • January 14, 2019 at 1:05 am

      From what I’m started no to hear, this coming weekend might be enough to do me in.

  2. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    January 13, 2019 at 10:02 am

    State representative’s are known for their icy, cold stares.

    • January 14, 2019 at 1:05 am

      It just gets worse if they move up to Washington!



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