Godzilla Vs. Liam Neeson | HumorOutcasts

Godzilla Vs. Liam Neeson

January 12, 2019
By

Illustration by Josh Roepe

While the New Year promises many good things, we must keep in mind that certain human behaviors never evolve. I’m talking about our stubborn and unhealthy habit of underestimating Godzilla and Liam Neeson.

This was made obvious to me while watching two new movie trailers: Godzilla: King of the Monsters, and Cold Pursuit. In both, mankind continues to make the same mistake over and over again. Fools!

Let’s start with Godzilla, who has to be the most misunderstood creature on the planet, and has been for over 60 years and 33 films. He has been patient with us. Like Frankenstein’s “monster,” we judge him because of the way he looks, rather than acts. He has pulled our bacon from the fire time and time again against the biggest and baddest Kaiju out there. Yes, he may clumsily destroy a city or two while doing so, but when you put this up against the destruction of life as we know it, losing San Francisco doesn’t seem so bad, and maybe real estate prices there will come down to more affordable levels.

Even the government seems to harbor some resentment towards Godzilla, perhaps because it has proven so unable to protect us without his aid and assistance. In the trailer, we witness this exchange:

Haughty congressional panel: “So, you’d want to make Godzilla our pet?”

(laughter)

Ken Watanabe: “No. We would be his.”

Watanabe is from Japan, and has the proper respect for the monster that Americans are sadly lacking.

By the way, Godzilla, despite his late middle age, is looking good. As people point out in the comments section of the online trailer, “Godzilla definitely didn’t skip leg day these past five years. Damn.” Even more tellingly, someone writes, “Godzilla is a friend, not the Monster!!!” The three exclamation points indicate a frustration we all have with those who do not understand this.

Like Godzilla, Liam Neeson tries to live a quiet life but is constantly called to resolve a situation not of his own making. His antagonists are human monsters. People who make the mistake of messing with his family. And this happens regularly, like clockwork, as the Cold Pursuit comments section makes plain:

“If Liam Neeson is your father, you are sure to die soon or be abducted.”

“Still, they dare to kill or abduct his children?”

“When will these people learn?”

They will never learn. Not as long as such behavior continues to pay off at the box office. As one commentator writes,

“Taken” on a “Cold Pursuit” through “The Grey,” he’ll “Run All Night” “Non-Stop” because he’s “The Commuter.”

If any of the villains were film fans, they would know to steer clear of the gentle-appearing Neeson, as he has “a certain set of skills.” Bad guys, you are going to get your just desserts. And a theater-full of people will applaud your richly deserved demise.

Godzilla Vs. Kong is up next in 2020. King Kong as an opponent? That’s fine, but why not Liam Neeson? That’s what the public wants to see. An unstoppable force meets an immovable object.

Since neither can be defeated, I recommend a plot like this: Godzilla’s child, Little Godzilla, is kidnapped along with Liam’s daughter, who was babysitting. Only by overcoming their initial animosity and combining forces can the two hope to get their kids back. It’s a buddy movie between a Japanese monster with an atomic heat beam and an Irish nice guy who can kill you with a sharp glance.

Liam will have to cover most of the dialog.

Jim Nolan

Jim's humor writing has appeared in The New Yorker, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, and Funny Times, and he's had 20 humorous commentaries run on WBFO Public Radio. You can hear them at www.JimNolansBlog.com

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7 Responses to Godzilla Vs. Liam Neeson

  1. January 14, 2019 at 1:21 am

    I’d watch it. Of course, I’d watch anything with Godzilla in it, but still.

  2. January 13, 2019 at 1:17 pm

    A Godzilla and Liam Neeson buddy movie? I’d see that!

    • January 13, 2019 at 3:19 pm

      For sure, Beth, me too!

  3. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    January 13, 2019 at 10:09 am

    I think Godzilla would have a big crush on Liam Neeson.

    • January 13, 2019 at 3:21 pm

      LOL, Bill Y. I will read Josh your comment.

  4. Bill Spencer
    January 13, 2019 at 10:05 am

    Jim, I admire YOUR very particular set of skills.

    • January 13, 2019 at 3:22 pm

      Thanks, Bill, back ‘atcha!



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