No Time for Esuohites | HumorOutcasts

No Time for Esuohites

January 12, 2019

Life hands us some real winners sometimes. Me, I have a family of Esuohites living in the crawl space under my front porch.

No, I don’t know how they got there. I haven’t asked them. The only question I am asking is, “Why me?”

If you have never seen an Esuohite, they are ugly little gnome-like creatures with big pointed ears and big noses, and they dress like Eastern European peasants. This is not surprising, because they originally came from the countryside of Slovakia. They were kicked out of Slovakia in 1805, charged with the crime of driving people insane. Since then, they roam all the countries of the world, wrecking their peculiar brand of havoc.

According to Esuohite custom and law, any space that is not occupied may be settled and taken over as a home. It’s their version of the Homestead Act. In their case, it isn’t limited to the western part of the United States, however; it embraces the entire world, including the crawl space under my porch.

Also according to the Esuohite Code, if anyone moves onto your property and takes over unoccupied space, you are responsible for feeding him until he decides to move. Esuohites love to eat. Nobody can stuff a face like they can, and they eat huge portions of almost everything. Many of them have won big international eating contests. My Esuohite family consists of two adults and 5 growing children, and the wife is pregnant. My grocery bills are staggering.

I first noticed the presence of my uninvited non-paying tenants when the male of the family knocked on my door one day at 2:00 in the afternoon and demanded that I stop making noise so he and his family could sleep. I was home from work that week, using up some vacation time, and was doing a little touch-up renovation around the house. You see, Esuohites are nocturnal creatures. They sleep during the day and get up at night. I didn’t know this. Up until that moment, I didn’t even realize I had Esuohites, or what they were. I googled them, of course, and found out, among other things, that they are so obnoxious that people in many primitive societies think they are demons. Parents scare their kids by telling them the Esuohites will get them if they do anything naughty.

When evening came, and they all got up, I went down to the crawl space, introduced myself as their new landlady and politely requested that they go away and not return. “The guy in the green house on the next block has a much bigger crawl space, and he’s never home,” I told them. They weren’t interested, and they told me politely that they were going to stay and there was nothing I could do about it. They gave me a grocery list.

So here I am, six months later, supporting a whole group of tiny moochers who keep me awake at night, destroy my front porch making renovations on their dwelling place and eat all my food. They consume sumptuous meals every day while I, out of economic necessity, am reduced to eating celery and oatmeal. There are no exterminators and no animal control professionals who deal with Esuohites and the local Mafia won’t touch them and won’t explain why, even when I fall on my knees, cry and beg them to put out a contract on those little buggers. I can’t sell my house because every time potential buyers come to look at it all the little freeloaders get out of bed, come outside and stare at them.

I can only sit, stare at the sunset and wait for Fate to get me.

Inspired by a writing prompt posted by Karen Klinger on Facebook on January 5, 2019:

“The crawl space under my front porch is some kind of weird portal.”


Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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7 Responses to No Time for Esuohites

  1. Lillian clock
    January 14, 2019 at 9:45 pm

    Well, the little free loaders! They are worse than my brother-in-law, who wants to move in with us, every time he gets a divorce. At least there is only one of him. Maybe you can bring in some of the Leprechauns to help figure out how to get rid of them. I love this story! Lillian

    • January 17, 2019 at 9:39 pm

      I would be happy to send some Esuohites to help you encourage your brother-in-law to go away, but I’m afraid they would move in on YOU! LOL! 😉

  2. January 13, 2019 at 3:11 pm

    Fun piece, Kathy! And I think Bill Y has a workable solution.

    • January 13, 2019 at 5:43 pm

      Good old Bill Y, to the rescue, as always!

      I’m glad you like my story.

  3. Bill Y "The Legendary Legend" Ledden
    January 13, 2019 at 10:16 am

    Have you tried loudly playing the so-called music of Bon Jovi? That sh1t has been known to evict squatters, swiftly.

    • January 13, 2019 at 5:42 pm

      Hmm. Maybe you have given me a real ending to my story! LOL!

    • January 14, 2019 at 1:11 am

      That should do it!

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