Put the Magic Back in Your Marriage | HumorOutcasts

Put the Magic Back in Your Marriage

January 22, 2019
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Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together, because it requires husband and wife to touch each other and it’s sticky. Unfortunately, over time, many spouses drift apart because they run out of this glue, with disastrous consequences.


Diane von Furstenberg: He got bored with this?

 

When Prince Egon of Furstenberg, husband of fashion designer Diane von Furstenberg, was asked what sex was like after several years of marriage, he replied “After a while it’s like the right hand touching the left.” His long-stem red roses bill was longer than, well, a long-stemmed red rose, but the couple divorced soon anyway.

Here are some tips to rekindle the flame of marital love without setting off the smoke alarm!

1. Switch sides of the bed: So simple, and yet it works! Men have larger nasopharyngeal passages, whatever they are, and tend to spray more munga when they snore. Women, on the other hand, read treacly romantic novels with titles like “Love’s Tender Passion Unbound.” When husband and wife switch sides, the woman recoils from the horror of sprayed snot on the nightstand, while the man shrinks from the syrupy selection of pseudo-literature that confronts him. They roll to the center of the bed and–voila–instant intimacy!


Hmm–moleage a trois?

2. Check each other’s backs for moles: Your dermatologist has told you to do this, but every night it’s the same thing: Watch TV, put the cat down in the basement, go to bed, fall asleep. So it’s time to try something different: Both of you strip naked and check out the moles on each other’s backs, taking copious notes for future reference. Don’t be surprised if you end up playing “OB/GYN”!


Not that kind of mole.

 

3. Admit that you think of somebody else when you’re, uh, doing it: Everybody plays this little mental game. You say “I love you so much, Shonda,” as you hump away like a dachsund on a chintz couch leg, when you’re actually thinking of Vonda. Time for the flop, the turn and the river, as they say on the Poker Channel. Put all your cards on the table and let each other know who you’re really thinking about! Afterwards, there’s the outrage, the argument, and then–the make-up sex! It’s like a two-for-one sale!


“I just want to finish this email . . .”

 

4. Costumes are fun! “Our sexuality is part of our identity, and frankly, most of us are boring,” says Dr. Emil Dickson, noted author on married life. He suggests using costumes to spice up a marriage gone stale. “If your husband likes to hunt, dress up like a bear,” he suggests. “If your wife flirts with her hairdresser, put on a smock and a lisp.”


“All right, I’ll put on the forest ranger outfit!”

 

5. Pay for it! The feminist revolution has unfortunately broken down the traditional walls between men and women that made sex so interesting. Nowadays, a woman is just as likely to pay for a drink or dinner on a date, which is great for a guy’s wallet but confusing for his manhood.


“Did you remember to run the dishwasher?”

 

So when it’s time for the two of you to go upstairs and turn on the lava lamp, let the man revert to his traditional role of breadwinner and pay for sex! You may find the added “kick” of a financial incentive is just the thing to make you lose your “amateur” standing!

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collections “The Difference Between Men and Women” and “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of The Year of the Gerbil, a history of the 1978 Red Sox-Yankees pennant race, and 50 books of humor including "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" by HumorOutcasts Press. My work has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor and The Boston Globe among print outlets. "Rabbit's Blues," my biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player, will be published by Oxford University Press in September.

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One Response to Put the Magic Back in Your Marriage

  1. January 22, 2019 at 9:20 am

    I have to say #2 is the most creative of them all Con. A little gross, but creative!



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