New York, NY – Consumers spend billions of dollars every year to give themselves and others a Merry Christmas. Although the largest percentage of money is for gift giving, a substantial amount goes to decorations, food and other holiday-themed products.
Manufacturers have seen how the Pumpkin Spice craze has infiltrated the market during the Fall. Companies sell everything from cereal to shower gel featuring our favorite orange squash.
Many manufacturers who lagged behind in featuring pumpkin products are making the foray into the profit-rich winter holiday season.
Thomas Linebottom, President of the National Manufacturers Association reported, “The success of Hallmark holiday movies has made consumers eager to surround themselves with everything Christmas. Research has shown that any product with a holiday theme will increase profits by 75% and make us see silver and gold.”
The Association’s issued a list of new products aimed at making the season more festive. Look for the following items at your local retailers.
- Do You Hear What I Hear (Miracle Ear) – You’ll be able to detect the reindeer pause, and Santa Claus grunt his way down the chimney.
- Peppermint Stick Tampons – After PMS you’ll be minty fresh.
- Frosty the Snowman Suppositories – Look at Frosty Go!!!
- Gingerbread Roach Motels – Roaches check in and Wham it’s their Last Christmas!
- Evergreen Pampers – Turn your nursery into a walk through a freshly fertilized tree lot.
- Border Wall Garland – Deck your Halls with holly covered security cameras and plan for a White Christmas. (Holiday ICE optional)
- A Christmas Story Condoms – Ralphie says, “Don’t shoot your eye out!” (Product guarantee – No creatures will be stirring.)
- Cranberry/Orange Metamucil – Throw a holiday party for your colon.
- Nutcracker Sweet Axe Body Spray – When they decide to head downtown to check out the Christmas balls make sure they get a whiff of cinnamon and sugar.
- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Plan B Pill – What happens under the mistletoe doesn’t always stay under the mistletoe.
- Eggnog Fertility Supplement – Every egg needs a little punch.
- Preparation Ho Ho Ho – Relieve yourself from Holiday Roid Rage.
- Vaseline Bowl of Petroleum Jelly – Grease it up and slay them with your ride.
According to Linebottom, “The Association wishes everyone a Christmas that is Merry and Bright and if it’s not bright enough buy Rudolph’s Red Beacon Batteries with extra glow power and your holiday will go down in history.”