According to a report on Twitter, a Texas representative has proposed a new law that will make masturbation illegal and the state will fine men $100 each time they masturbate. The satirical law was proposed by a woman to teach right-wing men about the perils of interfering with people’s private business. I think the law has merit, and the state should consider it seriously. Of course there are obstacles…outraged men would be the first to cry foul since so many rely on this activity to live. Next, The legal world would have to figure out a method by which this law could be enforced. I’m not sure, but I guess the honor system would have to be Plan A. Or maybe Texas can work with the RING people, you the know the company that makes doorbell and security systems, to come up with a surveillance system that alerts state troopers to offending males–sort of like the chip you put in pets. I guess they don’t even have to come to arrest them. Each male will have a way to make a virtual deposit of MONEY–nothing else. The payment system could be quick, painless and free of embarrassment and include Apple Pay, Venmo, Paypal–whatever works. Hey, if you can do Sportsbook online, you can pay your fines online too.
Once these obstacles are met, I think this new law offers nothing but positive results. Here are my top three benefits:
- Oil will no longer be the top industry in Texas. Think how this would alter climate change and environmental dangers. I might be wrong but last I heard from the conservative population, masturbation might make you go blind but self-pleasure won’t kill off any endangered species or cause random tornadoes or hurricanes to form.
- Say hello to national and maybe world-wide health care for at least a decade. Just estimate how many men from age 12 to 100 live in Texas. If each one–you know–does his thing daily, that’s a whole lot of doctor visits for a whole lot of people . Billions of dollars would be collected daily.
- Say goodbye to the National Debt. (see reasons above.)
Who knew spreading a little self-sunshine could benefit so many?