Your Dream Advisor | HumorOutcasts

Your Dream Advisor

March 6, 2019
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Your dreams are a window into your soul. No wait–that’s your eyes. Your dreams are the stain on your subconscious left by all the smegma you have to wade through during the day. Puzzled by a dream’s meaning? Ask Your Dream Advisor!

Dear Dream Advisor:

I recently had a dream that Duane Hedges-Furness, the guy who is next in line ahead of me on Squee-Gee Mop Industries “org chart,” died in a horrible accident when a tractor-trailer truck jack-knifed in front of him during an ice storm.  You have mentioned before that many ancient peoples believe that dreams foretell the future–should I bring this up in my next 360 performance review as a reason why I should be promoted and not Duane?  I mean, if he’s going to die soon what’s the point of moving his furniture into a bigger office with a window?

Charlotte Wirth, White Plains, New York

P.S.–Duane isn’t royalty like some people who have double-last-names.  His wife is a liberal who made him do it.

 

Dear Charlotte:

I would be careful not to say anything that would reflect intra-office animus on your part as more and more employers place a high value on “team work” instead of cut-throat competition.  As for the dream, if Duane was decapitated in the crash that means you should play the numbers 46-23-7-18-5 in the Wednesday, NOT the Saturday Powerball drawing.

 

Ms. Dream Advisor:

Long-time reader, first-time writer.  There is this waitress at the Round-Up Steakhouse who I’d had my eye on for many years, Taupe (not her real name, but it’s close because it’s also a color–Teal) McVey.  I was just about to ask her out when I noticed she looked pregnant, well she was and she went on maternity leave.   I had a dream about her while she was out where we were sitting next to each other in the nude, then one thing led to another and if you had a teenage son you know how that turns out for your laundry load of sheets and pillowcases the next day.

When Taupe came back to work to show off her baby to everybody I went up to say hi and told her about the dream, being careful to avoid anatomical references.  One of her friends came up to me afterwards and said I shouldn’t have done that.  I thought you said sharing your dreams with someone you were attracted to was healthy if boring.

Lee Holland, Seekonk, Mass.


“Come to the light!”

 

Dear Lee:

When sharing dreams with others it is important that you be discreet and reveal them only to people who you know will give a shit.  As for the meaning of that dream, I believe you will be inheriting your father-in-law’s classic ’57 T-Bird soon!

 

Dear Dream Advisor:

I am twelve years old and like to sleep with my head at the foot of my bed. My mother says this is unhealthy, I will catch cold from the breeze coming in my window. Every night I dream I am flying, and every morning I wake up with my head back on my pillow. Is something supernatural going on here?

Tommy Espinosa, Racine, Wisconsin

Dear Tommy:

Did you tell your mother you were going to stay up late and write to an advice columnist? I’ll bet you didn’t, and I’ll bet she’d want you to go to bed. Flying dreams are usually inspired by someone picking you up and rearranging you for a healthy and restful night in the position adopted by 92% of American sleepers. A disproportionate percentage of America’s criminals sleep with their heads at the foot of their beds, and I’d like to think that you’re not emulating this anti-social element of society.


Mmmmmmm–

 

Hey there Dream Advisor–

I have been engaged to Nae Ann Peters, who works at the Slurpee-Freez in Tipton, for a year now. She still lives with her parents, and they won’t let her move in with me until we get married. Every night when I say goodbye to Nae Ann I say “I dream about you all the time,” but the truth is I don’t.


Mazda RX-8 GT: One bitchin’ hunk of muscle car.

 

I have dreams about stupid crap at work like I can’t find the right kind of air filter for a 2014 Mazda RX-8 GT, or weird dreams about giant catfish giving me the hairy eyeball when I see them around Bagnell Dam.

What do you think? Should I get married to Nae Ann, or do my dreams mean I’m not in love with her?

Roy Carrill, Knob Noster MO


Roy’s dream–or is it his nightmare?

 

Dear Roy:

Remember, dreams are not reality, although giant catfish at Bagnell Dam are. The high ozone content of the air around the dam, a by-product of the generation of electricity, may cause the fish you see in your dreams to appear to have “hairy eyeballs,” but they are in fact just looking for bait fish that pass by. Dreams often mix up sensations from our daily lives, however, and if Nae Ann is just a tad bit overweight from the malted milks at Slurpee-Freez, you may in fact be dreaming about her and not fish.

Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”

Con Chapman

I'm a Boston-area writer, author of two novels (most recently "Making Partner"), a baseball book about the Red Sox and the Yankees ("The Year of the Gerbil"), ten published plays and 45 books of humor available in print and Kindle formats on amazon.com. My latest book "Scooter & Skipper Blow Things Up!" was released by HumorOutcasts Press last year. My humor has appeared in The Atlantic, The Christian Science Monitor, The Boston Globe and Barron's, and I am working on a biography of Johnny Hodges, Duke Ellington's long-time alto sax player for Oxford University Press .

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One Response to Your Dream Advisor

  1. March 6, 2019 at 8:15 am

    oh Con, smegma? ewwww! I am always amazed at your advice columns. you know so much!



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