The Wall: Problem Solved | HumorOutcasts

The Wall: Problem Solved

March 6, 2019

Sometimes, national emergencies resolve themselves.  Such is the case with the immigration crisis that has obsessed our President for the past 4+ years.  It is now over. 

What brought about this miracle?

As reported by the U.S. Border Patrol, on the night of March 4th the entire population of Central America (Belize, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua, and Panama) wriggled through a broken slat in the border fence at El Paso, Texas and entered the United States.  Nearly 47 million people got in. 

According to Carla Provost, Chief of the Border Patrol, at 10:40 that evening an agent on duty in El Paso noticed a black-tailed prairie dog gnawing furiously at the fence.  The agent immediately drove to the nearest Home Depot and purchased new slats.  By the time he returned an hour later, the fence had been breached and everyone had crossed over into the U.S. 

“Honestly, these folks haven’t really caused much of a problem,” Provost acknowledges.  “Most of the new arrivals simply made their way to the Applebee’s on Gateway Boulevard and had lunch.  Sure, there was a wait when they ran out of curly fries, but overall things went pretty smoothly.  Hats off to the staff at Applebee’s; they kept things moving.  Tomorrow is Half-Price Thursday at the El Paso Museum of Art, so most of the grown-ups will be going there, while many of our Border Patrol agents have volunteered to take the kids to the zoo, where they’ll get a chance to see Call of the Wild, the zoo’s popular Leopard-Mating Demonstration.  On Friday, Walmart will hold a first-come, first-serve job fair for everyone, kids included.”

In other news, the Triple Five Group, which manages the mammoth Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, announced that it is exploring the possibility of building the Mall of Central America.  This development would replace the countries of El Salvador, Honduras, and Nicaragua.  At either end of the Mall, Guatemala and Costa Rica would be paved over to make room for parking lots.  Stay tuned. 


Mike Morris

I'm a retired professor of psychology (University of New Haven). I publish the satirical blog UNIVERSITY LIFE and actually look like the default profile picture that accompanies my posts on HumorOutcasts.

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2 Responses to The Wall: Problem Solved

  1. March 6, 2019 at 12:07 pm

    So Trump’s wall could be built with just, oh I don’t know, maybe six nails. Mike, you’ve brought unity back to this great land.

    • March 7, 2019 at 8:26 am

      It’s the least I can do, Paul. The absolute least.

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