Got a roommate who’s suddenly developed a taste for truffles? Find an inflatable Julia Child love doll in your husband’s tool closet? Better call the Foodie Action Reporter–before it’s too late!
Dear Foodie Action Reporter:
I got divorced two years and am just now getting over the pain of losing Francine to a brush hog salesman. I met a woman named “Giselle” on plusfortydate.com, and after some preliminary winking and nudging, we agreed to meet in the parking lot at Bing’s Plaza and if things “clicked” we would go into the mall for dinner because she said she loved foreign foods.
Giselle
Well, long story short I fell head over heels in love with “Giselle” (she did not wear her “quotation” marks to the date). I don’t know what it is, I just go crazy over women with raccoon-like levels of eye liner and mascara that looks like it’s been spread on with a trowel, and that was Giselle “to a T.”
After five minutes of palaver in the car I said “I’m game if you are,” and she said “sure,” so we got out but instead of going to the mall there is that International House of Pancakes up close to the exit onto Highway 50, so I started walking up that way because I love their “Pigs in a Blanket” and she said she liked foreign foods.
Cochons dans la Couverture
I don’t know if I did or said something wrong but Giselle just sat there the whole time with a grumpy look on her face. I don’t think she has a legitimate beef since the place is international and they have the Nutella Crepes, which I understand are both French and English.
DeWayne Lollard, Grain Valley Junction, Iowa
Dear DeWayne:
Foodie Action Reporter will give you “A” for effort but “C+” for sensitivity. Obviously someone with heavy eyeliner and a French name is going to want something a little more “special” than IHOP, even if you don’t have a $1-off-higher-priced-entree coupon to use there. I “Googled” your location and it appears there is a very nice (which is a city in France) “boit de nuit” named “Les Deux Escargots” on the outskirts of Lincoln, a pleasant two-day drive. Take along some “pommes frites” (French fries) in case your car breaks down!
“This little thing? Uh, it’s a two-way ankle fax machine.”
Dear Foodie Action Reporter:
I met this guy “Ian” at a speed dating event a few weeks ago, and now he has asked me over to his house for dinner! I don’t want to blow it, as the last guy I dated seriously now wears an ankle monitor for ID theft and can’t leave his house.
My concern is this: “Ian” is a real foodie, he subscribes to Gourmet and makes his own pasta. He said he would cook “pesto” for me if I liked it. I said “You bet!” even though I didn’t know what it was.
Ian is into all-natural ingredients, and I am wondering whether he will use actual pests in his pesto, or if I am thinking of some other dish.
Cindy Wynne, Seekonk, Mass.
Pesto: Yum–I guess.
Dear Cindy–
Pesto is an Italian sauce made from garlic, pine nuts, salt, basil leaves, and romano and parmesan cheese, all blended into olive oil. It looks disgusting, but is actually quite delicious when prepared properly. It typically contains no insects other than those that infest your host’s kitchen.
“Which one of you’s the virgin?”
Dear Foodie Action Reporter:
I have been dating this guy “Craig” for several months. We are starting to get serious, but have not yet “done the deed,” if you know what I mean. I am not the kind of girl who will hop into the sack with a guy just because he buys you dinner at restaurant that has a non-stick tablecloth.
Craig has been a perfect gentlemen, but lately he has begun to drop little hints unless I’m misreading his remarks. Last night when we were out to dinner at DiScallopini’s he looked at the menu and said he thought “extra virgin olive oil” was overrated and not worth the price. He said it in kind of a bitter way, and I am writing to see whether you think he was being sarcastic.
Moira Oehrke, Mahway, New Jersey
Dear Moira–
Not to worry! “Extra virgin” refers to olive oil that has no more than 0.8% free acidity, resulting in favorable flavor characteristics–and try saying that five times fast.
So it is neither a compliment nor an insult to use the term in the presence of a single woman, although it is a fairly unattainable standard.
Available in Kindle format on amazon.com as part of the collection “Take My Advice–I Wasn’t Using it Anyway.”