13 Things I Assure You, I Really Don’t Want To See

The following is a slightly revised list of things I don’t want or need to ever see again.  The original version appeared on my blog Lori’s Old School Mix in January of 2009.  Oddly enough, not a whole lot has changed.  Eleven years later and most of this mess, I still don’t want to see. 

13 Things I Assure You, I Really Don’t Want To See (A Thursday 13 Remix from Lori’s Old School Mix)

1) Your drawers — I don’t care if they are clean. I don’t care if you bought ’em off Ebay from one of the Kardashians or borrowed them from Kevin Hart; I don’t care if they’re lined in silver and/or gold — All I’m asking is that you pluck ’em up off the dang floor (ditto the dining room table, chandelier, etc.) before I come by for a visit.

2) Footage of you or any of your loved ones giving birth To be clear, any home movies containing surgical procedures, blood, gore and/or screaming (in the notable absence of a rollercoaster) I can very well do without.

3) Your corns, hammertoes and/or bunions — If your tootsies look like they’re coated in oatmeal or belong on a rooster, eagle, dragon or some other winged critter (mythical or real), please don’t go barefoot or wear sandals around me.

4) Any of your removable body parts If any of your body parts come off or pop off, I’m more than willing to take your word for it.

5) Your nail clippings — Were I into hoo-doo and looking to cast a spell or curse on your trifling behind, your ole nasty clippings might come in handy. But since I’m not, dispose of them properly, please.

6) Your false teeth or your raggedly-looking mouth without them — It’s not often I prefer illusion over reality, but this is definitely one such case.

7) Your boobs — Okay, unless you’re nursing a child (preferably one under the age of 2) or you’re experiencing a wardrobe malfunction, I really don’t care to see your girls.

8) The sonogram image from your ultrasound — I understand your excitement at your pending arrival, but unless the image is in 3-D or you’re in the last month of your third trimester, I really don’t know what the heck I’m looking at.

9) Pictures of you or any of your friends and/or relatives drunk or in the buff — Fair warning, if you email me some mess like this or invite me to view such on your Facebook or Instagram page, you’re putting our friendship in serious jeopardy.

10) Your a$$ crack — Unless we’re in an intimate relationship or for some socially acceptable reason I find myself forced to change or clean your nasty behind, please spare me this trauma.

11) Anything a physician has removed from your body — The sole exception being a child, of course. But gallstones, kidney stones, warts, moles, tumors and other such growths . . . yeah, I’m really not trying to see any of that.

12) The excessive hair growing from your ears, nose, arm pits or covering your back — Unless you’ve got paperwork verifying that you are indeed a Cro-Magnon, do me a favor and keep all of that stuff neatly trimmed or to yourself.

13) Any of your bodily waste products — Really, some things ought to go without saying. But in the event that they don’t, wipe your nose, flush the toilet and get thee quickly to the nearest doctor and/or shrink if your particular situation (or malfunction) dictates such. 

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