Wondering about the funny smell emanating from 123 Shady Elm Lane? Concerned that your kids will be used in a ritual by the satanic cult next door? Ask the Know Your Neighbor Hotline, we use state-of-the-art techniques–some of them legal–to find out what the hell is going on next door!
“Don’t pay attention to those mooks next door.”
Dear Know Your Neighbor Hotline–
Like many I have been laid off for six weeks straight, and I am seeing some funny things going on next door that I never noticed when I was working 9-to-5. There are cars turning in to the driveway all day, men in black suits get out, look around suspiciously, then go inside. All is quiet, then late at night there’s a lot of grunting and groaning, then car trunks slamming shut, then they drive off without turning on their head and tail lights until they hit the entrance to the state highway at the bottom of the hill.
The address is 257 Albemarle Road, Piscataway, New Jersey. Any insights would be appreciated.
“We are now accepting applications, full health and dental. Prior experience in garroting preferred.”
You’re in luck! The “family” next door is the Santosuosso Crime Family, currently under investigation by state and federal authorities. They are extensively involved in recession-proof lines of business such as garbage-hauling, loan-sharking and extortion, so now would be a good time to drop by and ask Tony “The Icepick” Gravano, head of human resources, for a job application. Don’t mention our correspondence, as the employee manual has a strict confidentiality or “omerta” policy, it’s at tab 3(a)(7).
“Welcome to the neighborhood!”
Dear Know Your Neighbor Hotline–
With our kids married off (thank God!) and now living too far from us to make moving back in with us practical, we “down-sized” to a cute little bungalow across the street from a large, ramshackle house where all the residents have shaved heads and wear long-flowing orange robes. This is fine with us–“Diversity is our strength” and all that foofaraw–but their ceremonies are fairly noisy, with a lot of chanting and tambourines. They also don’t see anything wrong with soliciting contributions for their divinity, a sort of hermaphrodite with twelve arms, and yesterday they asked if we had any household pets, I said just my Pomeranian “Froofy,” and they asked if they could borrow him, they were making a stew for their communal supper.
My husband Earl says “Live and let live” but I was wondering, is there an exception to the First Amendment I could use to shut this place down for violation of our local “snob zoning code” which prohibits unrelated people from living in the same residence? They are located at 2524 Newcomb Hollow Road, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.
Thanks for your time,
Mrs. Claudia Schuchter
“So–no exception for pet-eaters?”
Unfortunately, our “Founding Fathers” did not have the foresight to distinguish between long-established religious cults and wacko start-up religious cults, so I’m afraid you are stuck with what appears to be a local franchise of the Golden Sunshine Brotherhood of Peoplekind. As for using local zoning by-laws to thwart them, these groups frequently evade enforcement by taking the same last name–voter registration records for your precinct show that everyone living there has the surname “Shringh.”
The only thing I can recommend is that you keep Froofy indoors until these people commit mass suicide.
Dear Know Your Neighbor Hotline:
I am getting concerned about the couple who live next door, they moved in right before the coronavirus hit and like everyone else have been stuck with each other ever since. There is screaming and yelling all the time, arguments about loading and unloading the dishwasher, etc. The husband hasn’t shaved in a month, when he brings the trash out to the curb on Monday morning he looks like one of those Montana “survivalists” who are always shooting at law enforcement. The wife has this weird hairdo–a skunk streak of grey down the middle, everywhere else she’s a bottle blonde.
I don’t like to intrude on others’ privacy but had I known these people were so weird I would definitely not have brought over my famous bananas-wrapped-in-ham-slices casserole when they first moved into 1513 Overland Road, Wichita, Kansas. Also, they have not returned my Pyrex chafing dish.
Thanks in advance,
Myrna Louise Martinson
Dear Myrna Louise–
My what a pretty name! I am pleased to report that the results of our investigation indicate that the couple at that address are perfectly normal, and are going through the “growing pains” that are common to people restricted to confined spaces for great lengths of times, such as prisoners of war and inmates at maximum security penitentiaries.
When this crazy “lockdown” is over make sure you sterilize that chafing dish, I would tie it to a luggage rack and drive through a high-powered car wash on the “Deluxe Wash ‘n Wax” setting.