Five Things I’m Doing to Prepare for the Coronavirus (Including Playing the Piano with Very Clean Hands)

I Am Washing My Hands. Constantly. Like Every Five Minutes.

Apparently, frequent hand-washing is one of the only things you can actually do to avoid getting sick.

Accordingly, my survival plan is to wash my hands so often that I qualify for OCD status. I am going to have the cleanest, purest, most hygienic hands you’ve ever seen.

Only you won’t be able to see them because…

I Am Going To Avoid People or At The Very Least Stay At Least 6 Feet Away From All Of You Which is, According to Medical Experts, the Minimum Safe Distance if You Don’t Want To Catch Something

I’m an introvert. This one is going to be easy. In fact, it’s going to be fun.

Keeping a safe distance from the rest of humanity is one of my Introvert Superpowers.

I can’t wait to keep you at arm’s length!

I’m Stockpiling Coffee.

In anticipation of a quarantine, I’m stockpiling coffee.

I’m also stockpiling food, of course. Because I can’t live without food.

But I don’t want to live if there’s no coffee.

I’m Buying an Extra Phone Charger. Or Three.

I watch everything on my phone. I don’t even have a TV.

Imagine being quarantined in your home and settling in for hours and hours of binge-watching all of the shows you’ve never had time to get to — and then your phone charger dies!

And you can’t leave your house to buy a new one because there’s a quarantine.

And all the stores are closed anyway.

Not a fate worse than getting a horrible infectious disease, of course, but still really a bummer.

But it won’t happen to me.

I’m Having My Piano Tuned.

If a quarantine causes me to be stuck in my house for months, especially if the electricity goes, I’m going to have plenty of time to play the piano.

If the pandemic lasts long enough, the economy may crash and civilization may fall and everyone may perish — but at least I’ll be able to play an error-free By The Light of the Silvery Moon before I go.

Best case scenario? I might even master the Chopin Polonaise I’ve been working on before the rioting hordes break in and confiscate my piano for firewood.

What are You doing to prepare for the Coming Pandemic? Please share your own Coronavirus Survival Tips and Pointers in the Comments Section!

(Roz Warren is the author of two collections of library and book-related humor, Our Bodies, Our Shelves: A Collection of Library Humor, and Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library, both of which would make terrific gifts for your favorite librarian or other bookish person.)