Dear valued Humor Outcasts reader,
It has just come to our attention this morning that there is widespread alarm, anxiety and fear throughout the country. No, I’m not talking about the fact that the universally panned film Cats is now available for home rental.
If you’ve not heard the news, let me be the first to inform you. There is this thing called the Coronavirus, also known by medical experts like me as the COVID-19 pandemic. This contagion is dramatically impacting how we all live, work, and in the case of millennials, engage in unprotected sex.
This is Tim Jones. I’m one of the featured columnists here at HumorOutcasts. Perhaps at one time or another you’ve errantly read one of my humor articles. If so, please accept my humblest apology.
At HumorOutcasts, we want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out from reading the 400+ emails you’ve received in the past week from Petco, Walmart, Costco, Kroger, AT&T, the YMCA, and your local parks & recreation department – telling you how committed they are to your safety – so that you can read this message from HumorOutcasts telling you how committed we are to your safety. Oh, and AT&T belatedly wishes to apologize for their former advertising slogan, Reach out and touch someone. Please don’t follow their advice, okay?
Here at HumorOutcasts, the publisher, Donna Cavanagh, and I, along with the dozens of illegal immigrants that work here and mow Donna’s lawn, take the health and safety of each reader seriously. That’s why we wanted to share the extraordinary precautionary measures we’re implementing here at HO.
First, I am personally making sure to get at least 11 hours of sleep a night. Technically, this has nothing to do with the Coronavirus outbreak. I’m just not a morning person. Second, I’m practicing safe social distancing. In fact, my wife takes this so seriously that she asked me to move into our garage – just to avoid the risk of being exposed to me – or having to talk to me – or make accidental eye contact.
As I write this heartfelt plea for donations, I mean, this update, I’m wearing three pairs of surgical gloves, two pairs of sweatpants, a snorkel mask and ski boots, all out of an abundance of caution. Admittedly, I’m sweating like a pig right now, but that’s the kind of sacrifice all of us here at HO are willing to make to ensure each post we publish is thoroughly devoid of any infectious germs – or humor.
To make sure our readers are protected, we wipe the keyboard with a disposable sanitary wipe after every paragraph. Each contributor has also made the difficult but selfless decision to switch from our preferred Calibri font to Helvetica – widely believed to be the safest font in use today. We’ve even gone so far as to eliminate the use of filthy words from our articles, to protect our readers from being exposed to potentially pernicious language. If you ask me, that’s a big fucking deal. Oops. Sorry.
As a result of these safety measures, we are pleased to report that there have been absolutely zero known cases of any individuals dying from coming into contact with this humor site. However, there have been isolated instances of unsuspecting people experiencing mild migraines or nausea from accidental exposure. Fortunately, most symptoms appear to fade once the reader closes their web browser – with the exception of a lingering sensation they’ve wasted valuable time they can never get back.
Finally, before we publish any article, each one goes through a four-step deep-cleaning high-pressure wash and spell-check, to ensure every post contains no residual bacteria or dangling participles. We consider this extreme measure worth it to protect our team of researchers and bail bondsmen.
As a reader, there are some basic steps you can take to protect yourself from possible infection from this website. First, keep at least six feet from your computer when checking your email. If you accidentally open an email that appears to have been sent from HumorOutcasts, press the DELETE key immediately and wash your hands for twenty minutes with soap and a new Brillo pad.
If you accidentally click on a link that takes you directly to a HumorOutcasts article like this – say you were drunk and had no idea what you were doing – don’t panic. Simply unplug your computer and quickly dispose of it into the nearest bio-hazard trash receptacle, douse it with lighter fluid and set it ablaze – preferably not in the living room or anywhere near pets.
One final word. We’re doing everything we can to keep you safe. But if you go around like my nephew Nathan doing stupid stuff like licking the handle of your grocery store shopping cart or shaking hands with everybody waiting in line for a refill at the pharmacy, that’s on you. Don’t come whining to us if you end up getting sick – ya’ hear me, Nathan?
Stay safe. And avoid my nephew Nathan.
Tim Jones
For more of my humor go HERE.
Check out Tim Jones’ latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time