McConnell Makes Shocking Promise as Biden Nears Victory

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who famously proclaimed in 2010 that “the single most important thing we [Republicans] want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term President,” has vowed to set himself ablaze in protest on the floor of the U. S. Senate if Joe Biden assumes the Presidency in January.

Addressing a stunned gathering of Thoroughbreds on a horse farm in Lexington, Kentucky, McConnell asserted that “Donald Trump has worked too hard over the past four years to make the world safe for QAnon and the Proud Boys for us to go quietly into the night.  I have asked Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Lindsey Graham to join me in this selfless act.” 

Pence could not be located on Thursday, and it is believed that he has left the country, given that his wife recently found a note in their bathroom indicating that was “leaving the country.” 

On Friday morning Senator Graham chuckled nervously as he declined McConnell’s invitation, observing that “we South Carolinians love a good barbecue, but this strikes me as bit weird, even for Mitch.”

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, in a statement released minutes ago, said that “I hope my esteemed colleague from Kentucky does not go through with this reckless rejection of the democratic process, but if wants to use the Home Depot gift card I gave him on Labor Day to buy a bag of extra-dry straw, a 5-gallon gasoline can, and an asbestos floor mat, I guess that’s his right.” 



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