Satan, a perennial top-five finisher in People Magazine’s annual “Who’s the Most Evil?” issue, announced yesterday that he is no longer collaborating with U. S. Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham. In an exclusive interview with CNN’s Anderson Cooper, the Prince of Darkness explained his decision:
“Listen, no one is more committed to pure evil than I am. I think my track record demonstrates that. But I can’t abide HYPOCRISY, which is what those stink bugs, McConnell and Graham, are all about. In 2016 they said it was absolutely not okay for the Senate to consider a Supreme Court nominee in a Presidential election year, and now they claim it’s fine to do so. When I heard that, I wanted to throw up, and I did — all over a bunch of hedge-fund managers who had arrived in Hell a few weeks ago.
“I like my evil up-front and transparent. I’ve never disguised my nefarious intentions with lame-ass rationalizations about ‘doing the right thing’. I’m proud to be evil. Those two little sumbitches, however, don’t have the courage of their convictions. They engage in the darkest of deeds without owning up to them. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”
When informed of Satan’s decision, McConnell declined to comment, but Senator Graham did respond: “I’m sorry that Mitch and I will no longer be working with the Devil, but I’m even more sorry that he felt it was necessary to call us names. That’s hurtful. All three of us are striving to achieve the same goal: extinguishing the light of goodness in the universe. We just disagree when it comes to identifying the most effective way of making that nightmare a reality. I hope the day will arrive when Satan wants to reconnect with us in this quest.”