Dear President and Dr. Biden
I understand that Major has had a rough week. It is my personal belief that he feels frustrated and frightened in his new surroundings. I have every confidence he will eventually adapt. As an experienced German Shepherd and rescue dog mom and grandma, I believe I can help your family and the United States of America so I am offering my services as a human caretaker to the adorable and frisky German Shepherd rescue.
I realize that being a nanny to a “First” pet might require both an extensive resume and high-level security clearance, so allow me to put forth my qualifications so that any doubt of my abilities will be quashed immediately.
- I am an experienced rescue dog owner. I have been a mom to three German Shepherd rescues although the first, according to the rescue, was supposed to be a Beagle—quite the surprise. The
second looked more Terrier than Shepherd, but that’s okay too, and our last was exactly what the rescue said–a Shepherd/Lab mix who had issues even the most prominent dog therapists at an Ivy League veterinary school considered challenging. My granddogs include a German Shepherd purebred and a southern belle rescue with a varied gene pool. I also would like to add to the resume that I often care for a human toddler boy grandchild who makes the most excitable dog seem lethargic.
2. My dogs thrived so much under my tutelage that they literally wrote a book on training human owners. That’s right. They, without any help from me, penned A Canine’s Guide to the Good Life – a guidebook that has helped thousands of dogs rein in their human families. This book would not only amuse Major, but would help him formulate his own plan for human domination in a socially responsible way.
3. International animal organizations recognize my expertise. The ASPCA, World Wildlife Fund, The Humane Society, PETA, Guiding Eyes for the Blind, etc. can offer documentation that I an animal lover and protector. How do I know this? They send me wrapping paper, return address labels, greeting cards, stickers and decorated paper bags to thank me for being such a devoted animal lover. Not everyone gets these freebies…right?
4. For those who would handle my security clearance, please let them know that I have a reputation for being honest, fair and factual in all my dealings. They can examine and dig through my online presence for proof. Okay, for the sake of transparency, I should note that for some unknown reason my big Twitter account was permanently suspended, but that had nothing to do with my dogs or any dogs– but rather thin-skinned republicans in congress. This is just a guess as Twitter won’t tell me…stupid, stupid Twitter, but I’m not bitter. It might also be helpful to know that I share your family’s and Major’s political leanings and I actually worked on the Presidential campaign. No trouble from this employee.
5. If it helps the FBI, I can also guarantee that I have no ties to Russia or any other foreign enemies. Even before the pandemic, I did not travel to communist countries or forge friendships with government workers in any despotic states. Just check my Alexa. She knows everything I think and do. The only red flags she might raise is my love for 60s rock music, dessert recipes and a shopping addiction for Wayfair.
Thank you for allowing me to submit my qualifications. I look forward to hearing from you soon and I am eager to begin a friendship with Major. I’m confident that soon he can be promoted to Colonel.
Pawfectly yours,
Donna Cavanagh
You should confess that in the past you’ve encouraged biting satire.