KEOKUK, Iowa. It’s Friday on the campus of Woodminster College, a co-educational liberal arts institution that is out of the mainstream of American undergraduate life in this town of approximately 11,000. “We’re not a city college, and we’re not a big land grant university, but we do share one problem with the rest of higher education,” says Dean of Student Life Hildegard Bengin. What is that, this reporter asks. “A lack of male folk dancing partners on Friday night,” she replies as she scans a sign-up sheet with the names of twenty women but only seven men.
Friday night folk dancing by female students who are not themselves part of any folk culture is a long-standing college tradition, as is the paucity of male students willing to partner with them in dorky renditions of the Milonga, the Gumboot Dance, and the Baladi. “It was a problem when I matriculated here in the early 60’s,” says Alison Goldsmith. “We’d put notices up on bulletin boards around campus and hope to get one boy for every two girls. Unfortunately, Tim Van Russell–who I had my heart set on–fell for the skin-tight leotard and misapplied lipstick of Myrna English, so I had a miserable college experience.”
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Goldsmith bitterly buried her nose in her books, graduating summa cum laude in biology and going on to a brilliant career in the life sciences, selling her founder’s share in CellGeneBioSomething in 2015 for $45 million dollars. That payday provided her with the opportunity to “give back” to female college folk dancers, and she used the skills she acquired in laboratories over four decades to successfully clone a male folk dancer using a cell sample she surreptitiously gathered from him during a job interview.
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“Alison is a brilliant woman, and she’s addressing a serious social problem,” says Phillip Desgardins, incoming president of the American Association of Cell Geneticists. “Many female folk dancers advance beyond child-bearing age without reproducing or even freezing their eggs. Bacon is easy to freeze, but freezing eggs requires multiple trips to the doctor.”
The results of the noble experiment were on display here last night as the members of the Woodminster College Folk Dancing Society commandeered the school’s gymnasium for a night of fun, fruit punch and of course folk dancing. Twenty female dancers took the floor and began to pair off with 7 undergraduate males, but looks of disappointment turned to smiles when Goldsmith walked in leading a band of 13 five-year-old boys behind her.
“Timmy Klosterk, why don’t you dance with Chloe Nidera, over there,” she says as she points a boy in the direction of a dark-haired woman dressed in a black turtleneck and yoga pants.
“She’s kinda scary,” the boy says.
“It’s everyone’s first week of school, she’s probably just as scared as you are,” Goldsmith says, invoking the time-honored formula to lessen student anxiety before a college mixer.
The boy shyly approaches the young woman, who shoots a look of distress towards Goldsmith over his head.
“Chloe–meet Timmy!” the bio-chaperone exults, and the distaff half of the couple forces a smile before cupping her hand and whispering to Goldsmith “Don’t you have anyone a little taller?”