“Hollywood’s Biggest Night” turned out to be not quite that on Sunday, as the snoring of movie stars in their seats occasionally got so loud during the Academy Awards that Questlove, the event’s music director, had to play a recording of locusts devouring a forest in Kenya in order to drown out the zzzzzzzz.
The evening’s low point came at the end, when Anthony Hopkins could not be roused from his deep dive into slumber to accept the award for Best Actor. “I was sure he was dead,” said a frightened friend who was sitting next to him. “He eventually woke up after I poured a pitcher of ice water on his head. Unfortunately, the show was over by then.”
Steven Soderbergh, who co-produced the broadcast, had provided all of the celebrities in attendance with industrial-strength amphetamines in an attempt to keep them awake for the duration of the ceremonies. But the drugs were no match for the brain-numbing quality of what was taking place on the stage. “I’m really sorry. Next year we’re going to use defibrillators.”
I stopped watching the Oscars when I realized they only gave major awards to movies I’ve never watch–but it looks like it went pretty much the way I thought it would.
A triple hee.