I used to love my morning shower. A refreshing pick-me-up and I’d emerge with shining hair. What could be better? But now? Now I’m older and wiser. I have the wisdom of age AND the Internet. I know better. Showers are dangerous to your health!
And so, I say to you all, step away from the shower — slowly and carefully! For your health and safety, step away!
First, there’s the danger of slips and falls. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, almost a quarter-million people over the age of 15 “visit” the ER because of injuries suffered in the bathroom. And about 14% of those people require hospitalization. Ouch!
SHOWERS ARE DANGEROUS
Instead of a shower, we almost-oldsters could purchase one of those pricey step-into bathtubs. They are not très chic, but at least we’re less likely to slip and sprain our sacroiliacs!
Second, have you read the health warnings about all the dangerous additives they put in shampoos! I haven’t been this scared since I was pregnant and foolishly ate a tuna sandwich!
SHAMPOOS ARE DANGEROUS
Ingredients such as sulfates, quaternium-15, DMDM hydantoin, imidazolidinyl urea, rabens, and triclosan. I don’t exactly know what those chemicals are. But I do know they are bad. Very bad. You can look them up. I started reading about them and broke out into a sweat. Which was bad. Because that meant I needed to shampoo my hair. Which meant I needed to use shampoo! shampoo.
At least Californians can take heart. They might have wildfires, earthquakes, and sky-high property taxes, but their scalps are safe. The Golden State has just banned these dangerous shampoo additives.
WASHING YOUR FACE IS DANGEROUS
And don’t even think about washing your face in the shower. Apparently, that’s bad too. “Why?” you ask in bewilderment. Well, according to the shower experts, (Shower-ologists?) the water in a shower is too hot for the delicate derma of our faces. We need a specialized temperature zone for our cheeks (facial, not derrieres) and chins. So, faces should be washed at the sink — bathroom, obviously, not kitchen!
WET HAIR IS DANGEROUS
And a final warning: Don’t even think about collapsing exhausted wet-haired into bed. That, experts say, could result in the development of yeast on the scalp, which can lead to dandruff!
Additionally, getting your pillow wet makes it a breeding ground for a disgusting array of bacteria and fungi. And that, my wet-headed friend, is like putting out the welcome mat for all sorts of nasty skin conditions the likes of which you DO NOT want me to discuss. And then there’s the risks of asthma and weakened immune systems.
I mean really! In the middle of a pandemic, who wants to risk a weakened immune system? Not me, not you, sister (or brother)! No way!
GET ME TO A SPA? OR A SPONGE BATH?
So, what’s a clean-aspiring person to do? Our showers now loom as dangers zones. We cannot risk going to spas mid-pandemic. What’s left?
Perhaps we could take a lesson from our grandmothers who favored sponge baths. I never quite understood the pleasure of one, but my grandmother always took them. And she never suffered a bathroom slip.
Maybe Grandma had the right idea all along. Born of peasant stock, perhaps she had a natural suspicion of indoor plumbing! Perhaps she inherently understood showers were dangerous.
And yes, I promise you, that sponge-bathing woman was immaculate. Man, she smelled as sweet as a rose … except when she was cooking. Then, that Hungarian honey smelled of paprika and garlic. Still, she one sweet-smelling sweetie, and nobody ever had to tell her to “step away from the shower!”