Matthew Bershadker, CEO of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, claims that viewing the College Football Playoff semifinal games on New Year’s Eve was like “watching baby seals get clubbed to death in a barbaric winter ritual. My 8-year-old son Timmy was so traumatized by the spectacle that he tried to claw out his eyes with his fingernails. It was horrific. For the love of God, stop this madness NOW!”
Mark Emmert, NCAA President, agrees. “What we witnessed last night was an abomination. Next season, if a team from the Southeastern Conference battles a non-SEC school in the Playoff, the SEC team will only be allowed to have 5 players on the field at any given time, while the other squad will have 11. That should even things up a bit. I’m so sorry about what happened yesterday.”
Luke Fickell, the Cincinnati coach, remains under observation today at the Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas. He became catatonic during a post-game interview after screaming, “it just kept getting worse and worse. At one point I swear I saw 34 Alabama players on the field rushing our quarterback. There was red everywhere, like a sea of blood. It never stopped. It never, never stopped.”
A Medical Center spokesperson said that Fickell is likely to recover over the next several months, but that he could experience nightmares for a year or more. “I’ll be honest. The poor guy has been to hell and back. It’s not pretty.”