In a diplomatic quadruple Axel that has left the world — and especially Vladimir Putin — stunned, President Joe Biden snatched Ukraine from the jaws of Russia last night by declaring it to be the 51st state of the USA. Ukraine’s new status became official at 12:01 am on February 17th.
“Mr. Biden’s offer was simply too good to turn down,” says former Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. “We were promised an NFL franchise in Kyiv (the ‘Tundra Tigers’), as well as a Disney World theme park in Poltava. People are celebrating today all over our country — oops, I mean our STATE. Here, have some pampushky.”
Biden informed reporters that nearly 750,000 U. S. troops will be stationed in Ukraine by the weekend, along with 40% of the U. S. nuclear arsenal, with every missile aimed at Putin’s home residence in Moscow. “If a Russian soldier so much as drops a chewing gum wrapper on the wrong side of the border, it’s curtains for that bastard and his KGB mofos.”
In response, Putin has dispatched three Russian drug-cartel cigarette boats to Guam, each one equipped with dual-mounted .38 revolvers. “Ha-ha, we take hostages now.”