FOXBORO, Mass. China has developed a subsonic missile that is capable of taking out entire American cities and has increased its military intimidation of Taiwan. There is a shooting war in eastern Europe between Ukraine and Russia, and terrorist attacks have triggered retaliation by Israel in the Middle East. It’s enough to cause many to lose sleep at night, but for Charles “Chucky” Witner of Pelham, New Hampshire, the rising tensions around the world are a strange source of comfort.
“I dunno,” says the long-time season New England Patriots’ season ticket holder. “It kinda helps me keep perspective about the loss of the GOAT”–a sports fan acronym that stands for “Greatest of All Time.”
Witner is referring to Thomas “Tom” Brady, who led the Patriots to nine professional football championship games or “Super Bowls,” winning six of them. While sports talk show hosts may disagree, historians generally concur that this accomplishment is less significant than the Allied Nations defeat of the “Axis” powers–Germany, Italy and Japan–in World War II.
“On the one hand, you’re talking about saving Western Civilization,” said Marta Stratt-Heine, professor of European studies at the University of Northern New Hampshire. “On the other, you’re referring to the AFC East, which includes the New York Jets, so the football equivalent of Upper Volta.”
The United States is 2–0 in World Wars, but both victories pre-dated the merger of the National Football League with the American Football League in 1970, and defense analysts say a U.S.-China-Russia playoff would be a close call. “I would think the over-under would be around 2 billion dead,” says Ron Bushnik of ProFootball Betting.com. “Vegas would take it off the board because nobody’s gonna bet the under.”
But that’s fine with Witner, who says the Patriots’ 26–29 record since Brady left the team in 2019 had been “like a cloud hanging over” his head. “I was a fan way back when they went 1–15 in 1990,” he says, shaking his head at the memory. “We at least got a #1 draft pick out of that tragedy, I don’t think that happens with a nuclear holocaust.”
Now I wonder if irradiated players will be allowed.