The evil Czar Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin was executed by some of his top aides who organized an assassination using a fake Donald Trump impersonator to shoot him when he came up for a hug. Putin, letting down his guard because he thought there was no threat whatsoever from a chump like Donald who he regarded as his pet American dog approached him smiling. The impersonator, a famous Saturday Night Live cast member, was paid handsomely to come over and outwit the famous Russian twit who fell for the ruse. Vlad was shot from a long range pistol that he fired from the far end of Putin’s famous long table meant to keep visitors at a safe distance from his perceived and real threats that came to pay him homage.
Upon arriving in Hell (he was offered no other alternative by attending devils and angels including the Grim Reaper who escorted him) the former leader of one of the most backwards and conniving countries on the earth protested his banishment to the rightful place chosen for him by the Lords of Karma who didn’t want to hear his sniveling protests against it.
Putin was escorted across the River Styx by the boatman Charon ( things were not going according to the way they taught it in the Russian Orthodox Church, not that Putin himself ever set foot in there). Charon has rowed many damned souls across this legendary river to Hades before, but few that he found as despicable as this creep.
He planned to add a little extra Hell of his own to the torments that will come to this dictator/ murderer/ liar/ torturer/ scourge/ creep/ pretender/ coward/ louse/ Muggle/ cold blooded/ snake in the grass that he despised heatedly for occupying his boat with his presence.
“Ah, Mr. Vladimir! You look hot. Why don’t you cool your hands by dipping them in the river!” Vladimir, his former KGB instincts alarmed at this offer, refused which angered the boatman greatly. “You are a clever man, Mr. Putin. You probably know already to bathe in this river of Hell brings you agony worse than death. Ha, no wonder you advanced so far in a land that recognizes only cleverness, deceit and bloodymindedness. But now your great skills have brought you to the realm of the god Hades, or as you call Him, Satan. And because of your obnoxiousness you must travel to the farthest destination of the river where only the most damned are sent.”
Putin felt an unearthly chill run through his body like he had never experienced before.
No amount of cleverness or manipulation, his greatest talents, could help him now. After a journey that seemed to take an eternity, Charon finally pulled up to a rundown boat dock and tied the vehicle down.
“Off with you!” he commanded as though his human cargo were less than dirt, which he was. The angsty former President of the largest landmass on earth got off hesitantly, well aware that he was in deeper doo-doo than he had ever been in this lifetime. “Go up to that palace ahead of you. A greater evil than yourself awaits you!” His crooked finger pointed towards a grand building upon the shore.
Putin entered humbly, a quality he had not experienced since his childhood. Each step bringing him up closer to the edifice chilled his feet with the dread promise of what could lay ahead. He entered the grand doorways a smaller man than when he had started.
A huge figure was before him speaking with smaller creatures which appeared to be demons of a sort. The reddish caped monstrosity turned and saw him.
“YOU!!!” it bellowed. “Of all the disgusting creatures that have entered my realm you are the last I would want to see! That damned Charon should have warned me you were coming!”
“Begone, you thing that is fouler than any of my demons of Hell! I do not want a single footprint of yours in my realm! You are too foul for even Hell! Go back to the River Styx that brought you here! I don’t care if you have only a scrap of wood to carry you! I will not have your competition for the ultimate evil that can exist in my realm! I will not have you as a possible Judas to stab me in the back! Be GONE!’ His voice bellowed and shook the very ground they stood upon.
Putin turned and retreated to the river. He gathered scraps of wood that he tied together to make a makeshift boat and departed.
The Great Evil One watched as the slightly less evil one departed and became a dot on the horizon. When at last it disappeared beyond the twilight disk of the earth he turned to his comrade assortment of befouled creatures he said “I do not need his competition here. I would probably be out of a job pretty damned quick!”
The ersatz boat of Putin did not last long. Cahron had been correct; to fall into the river Styx was an agony worse than death……