Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Phillies, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Phillies deny emotional support alligator from entering ballpark
On a related note, the Phillies Fanatic hasn’t been seen since … wouldn’t be surprised if he tasted like San Diego Chicken.
Jim Jordan forced out of House speaker race after losing secret ballot
Personally, I wouldn’t let Jim Jordan lead a party of five to their table at a restaurant.
“I’m not Nostradamus”: Keith Richards on the future of The Rolling Stones
Adding: “Although I did babysit him.”
Team Biden joined Truth Social
… Probably because they want to have a place to be alone.
Woman says date dashed after she ate 48 oysters and more, sparking debate
Could’ve been worse; she could’ve had crabs.
70 percent of New Jersey residents want Menendez to resign: poll
The other 30% would just like for him to return their gifts!
Happy 52nd Birthday, Snoop Dogg
Looks pretty good for a guy’s who’s 364 in Snoop Dogg years.
Judge Engoron fines Trump $5K for violating his gag order
… Wonder what Mexico’s gonna do with their bill.
Meryl Streep and her husband, Don Gummer, have been quietly separated for the past six years
And living with Will and Jada, respectively.
Fani Willis gets Sidney Powell and Kenneth Chesebro to flip in Georgia RICO case
Fani Willis looks like the new Pinball Wizard; she knows how to work those flippers!
Heidi Klum’s sensational nearly nude photo proves this year’s Cannes appearance is her boldest yet
Or, is that appearance of her cans? Potato/potato.
Squirmy critter seen at wildlife refuge leaves Texans disturbed
I’m shocked, shocked … Ted Cruz was actually spotted in Texas.
Paul Mooney once ‘walked in’ on Barbara Walters hooking up with comedian Richard Pryor, says Sherri Shepherd
Would’ve made a great SNL Sketch with Baba WooWoo.
A Danish artist who submitted empty frames as artwork is appealing court ruling to repay the cash
They should’ve paid with a piece of unlined, white paper …
Matt Gaetz repeatedly cursed out by fellow Republicans in heated conference meeting
… Damn, there’s a lot of white on white violence in the Republican caucus; maybe it should be shut down until we see what is going on …