SPARKS BRIEF: New Skin In The Game

Simi Valley, CA – In Hollywood, beauty is not skin deep. It’s lays on the surface where it’s been pulled, tucked, plucked, plumped and botoxed. Adoring fans don’t look at a star and say she has a kind personality. It’s more of, “look at those cheekbones and perky nipples.” Her face is a relief map of silicone and her nipples designer branded. 

With so many bits of epidermis nipped away each year, celebrity skin has accumulated to the point that a Frankenstein-style entertainer could be pieced together. Celebrities are a commodity so everything about them has value–– from public appearances, autographs, clothes that have touched their bodies to the extra skin they’ve discarded.

Instead of disposing the by-product of a new imagined beauty, a corporation, Dermatron, has been born. This company sells the excess skin of the stars to patients in need. “There’s suddenly a huge demand for well-known flesh. We’re going to change the complexion of reconstructive surgery techniques,” advised Aretha Alopecia, CEO and founder of Dermatron.

Located in Simi Valley, CA, the headquarters for Dermatron, nicknamed Skin City, stores and distributes epidermis, dermis and hypodermis around the globe. “We’re the only company supplying award-winning tissue to the general public. We have real skin in the game.” Vince Vitiligo, Marketing Manager, told reporters.

“Hospitals and medical practices on the cutting edge of technology are requesting inches of skin everyday,” Vitiligo said.

Procedures using the high-profile product have been very successful. Although, some unusual circumstances have followed.

Addie Poser, from Elbow’s Bend KY, suffered a third-degree burn after her deep-fried Thanksgiving Butterball exploded. In the burn unit, she was given the brochure for Dermatron and selected a pound of Dolly Parton.

“I was beyond thrilled to know the skin graft had once been attached to my idol Dolly,” Addie said. “It was a miracle to see my arm looking as good as Dolly’s face. The weird thing is two weeks after the surgery I ordered a banjo from Amazon and started playing “Jolene.”

Addie now performs every weekend at Pappy’s Country Lounge in Nashville. “I couldn’t sing a lick before and now I’m a strumming and a singing.” Addie performs under the stage name Betty Jo Butterball in honor of the turkey that brought her and Dolly together.

Wilhelmina Whitehead, heiress to the Whitehead whitefish fortune, lost the sole of her foot in a tragic pedicure accident and received skin retrieved from Meg Ryan. A month later Ms. Whitehead was arrested after breaking into the home of Tom Hanks.

“I wake up thinking Mr. Hanks has got mail for me and I must rush to him.” He just gets under my skin,” Wilhelmina explained. Whitehead has completed two months of community service and has a restraining order issued against her. “I know I’ll meet Tom one day. I’m at the top of the Empire State Building every Valentine’s Day.”

Helen Hiveson, from Poughkeepsie, received tissue from Madonna for breast reconstruction surgery. Six weeks after, she was banned from Saint Ignatius of the Mentally Weak Catholic Church. She wore a leather thong to Easter services and exposed her new boobies to the parish priest. She said her breasts were shiny and new and needed to be touched for the very first time.

Linda Lyme, told reporters that her mother’s skin cancer surgery ruined their relationship. Annabelle Lyme required a graft after cancer cells were excised from her cheek. “Mom requested a batch of frozen Joan Rivers. Two days after the surgery she kept calling me asking, “Can we talk?” After seventy-calls in one hour, I blocked her phone and I’ve changed my number.”

Linda said she was hoping her Mom would get over the Joan mania but last week Annabelle began selling jewelry on HSC.

Renowned Plastic Surgeon, Matthew Melanoma, published an article in the New England Journal of Medicine about the bizarre behaviors related to celeb skin. Dr. Melanoma said talent lies in the DNA and these blue-collar patients are absorbing characteristics of their famous donors.

“We need to focus on the bits and scraps of D-List personalities like contestants from Dancing With the Stars and Celebrity Big Brother. Weak DNA should settle things down,” Alopecia said.

But like Addie’s story, everything isn’t negative. Dan Dandruff, a giant Fanilow, received several yards of skin from Barry Manilow for his groin surgery. Dandruff says he will revitalize the music world when he begins writing all the songs. Right after physical therapy, where he’s trying to get the feeling again.







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